A Letter For You: Abusive Relationships and What I Learned About Myself

Dear Incredible Reader,

We always want to see the best in people. There's always a part of us that believes if we give it one more shot we are sure to get a different outcome; but that is an ideal that is so far from the truth of the cycle of abuse it makes me sick.

I gave my trust to somebody who couldn't keep it safe and wound up finding myself on the bathroom floor crying for nights that seemed endless. I never really understood what I had done wrong to deserve this kind of treatment. After a while, I just accepted that the verbal and emotional abuse I was receiving was because I deserved it.

That's where I began to sink into despair. After so much pain and isolation, I didn't even know how to feel anymore. I felt so out of reach from my family and friends that it was like I was the only person I had anymore.

I treated myself like dirt because he made me feel like dirt; and I believed him. Why did I believe him if he treated me so badly? Because I thought that he loved me. The words "I love you" can almost make you do anything because they make you feel something. He'd say those words and then take what he wanted from me and punish me. The happiest moments in that relationship were when he was away from the house on work trips to the states. It was in those moments I could actually create a safe space around me and momentarily recharge my emotional batteries for the next event.

Because of the excess stress and pain of his cruel games, I looked for anything to take my mind off what I was going through. That was how my husky pup Forrest came into my life. Forrest was the first thing that made me completely happy in such a long time. He became my best friend and companion through the rest of that dreadful relationship.

I had grown up watching my parents love each other unconditionally and show me what kind of person I needed to find. My parents were so concerned about the outcome of my life and what would happen if I didn't leave soon. I knew deep inside they were right; but I was still attached to my abuser and couldn't find the strength to break away.

The start of my turning point began when I was drawn back to my family after the passing of my dear grandfather. It wasn't the way I wanted to have been reconnected to everyone, but I realized how much better I felt being in the presence of the only people I would always have in my life no matter what. The last thing my grandfather had said to my mother, before he passed away, was that he wanted me to find someone who would love me and get me to the place that God needed me to be. As I watched the casket lower into the grave, I remember promising my grandfather I would find the right man and be the person I was meant to be.

I remember the last morning of my old life I was painfully woken up by a wasp, who had been stuck under the covers with me, and I decided I was going to escape my situation. My best friend and her boyfriend came to my rescue and moved the belongings I could take before my ex came home to my best friend's house. I safely ended things on the other side of town and never had to see my ex or my old life again.

Although I had broken away from my horrible ex, my self-esteem was still in the gutter and I was slightly codependent after all the damage. I dated a few more people that continued to show rage instead of respect and cruelty over kindness. After a few more blows to my already fragile soul, I retreated to my family and shut down my emotions to recover. I decided to quit making someone else happy and make myself happy first. I choose to worry more about being myself than being alone. That's where the cycle of abuse and victimization finally started to break.

That month of August was the most stable and happy month I had all year. I was reconnecting with friends and rebuilding myself through faith and support. As my next year of college began, I walked through the doors as a stronger person and acknowledged my scars as the past and not my future.

What I learned about myself was that underneath all the abuse and trouble I still had a limit; I was still human and I could only tolerate what I deemed was my absolute limit. That knowledge gave me strength to choose severance over suffering and faith over fear. Finally, I had enough of the torment and wanted my life back.

I learned to love myself again and believe that I was capable of being happy without having to sign my sanity away. During the first few months of my liberation, he attempted to take me back and profess that I was truly the only one for him and that he would never hurt me again. I was so much smarter now about his games and I was not going to be tricked again. I could've let all hell break loose from my lips, but I simply just told him goodbye and wished him all the best in life.

The purpose of my story is to show that there is a life outside of the cycle of relationship abuse.

To anyone who is currently dealing with or has dealt with abusive relationships; you are NOT to blame. You fell for someone who started out as a dream and suddenly turned into a nightmare. There was no initial warning, alarm, or indication that you would suddenly become a victim of someone's vicious behavior. Out of nowhere, you were placed in a situation that you felt you couldn't get out of. Leaving wasn't your first option because fear was controlling your outcome. You are not a bad person, damaged goods, or worthless; you are wanted, worth it, and have an entire life ahead of you.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't deserve you. Look into the mirror and see the beautiful and divine glow of your potential that radiates from your soul and shines from your eyes.

You have a destiny and you have a happily ever after calling your name; you just have to run towards it.

Your Friend,

Madyson Salmon