After an Unexpected Loss

As everyone does, I went to school and made loads of friends, from kindergarten on we enjoy each other's company just playing laughing and not having a care in the world. Obviously we're all far too young and stupid to realize these "close friends" will be around after college. We lose some friends from just growing apart, fights over the stupidest things (money, relationships, theft), some friends are lost to addiction. However some friends do endure all trials and hard times.

A big surprise for me was a woman named Heather had been my friend and off and on gf for years, one thing that instantly drew me to her was her hair; she was a ginger! I'd never met a woman with such firey hair, it was like magic that accompanied her pale skin. We remained close friends, her being a grade under me and not attending an art college. I was always proud and honoured when she would ask my advice or for tips on drawing, painting, anything art related in general. Heather and I helped each other in times of hardships for example: when my water heater broke she let me take showers at her place for months until I could save up and replace it, I was there for her when her grandma passed. Being the geeks we were we'd love meeting up at bookstores and checking out the new graphic novels and anime. One great memory is because of our love of Doctor Who, I introduced her to Casanova (staring David Tennent), oh she hated me with a smile because it made her cry. In turn she introduced me too many of my favourite shows (Firefly, Deadman Wonderland, Hell Girl, The Devil's Carnival, Beck...). Heather was/is a constant in my life having shared art classes in high school, loving the same... everything, Lol. I remember taking her to my senior prom and her attending my graduation. She even accompanied me to one of many art shows I was in. The nights we would hang out and either talk about painting techniques while playing with her pet rats or just walk around town at night and laugh at all the stupid things in life. There were somethings that we found unique about each other I found her being in polyamorous relationships intriguing. She was the first person I came out to as bisexual... she also found my being Straight Edge (not drinking alcohol, smoking, or doing drugs) honourable. When we dated a few years after I came back from San Diego we were in a polyamorous relationship for a little over a year, however as I do... I wanted something more stable and to focus more on my art. Our split was amicable.

One big thing I'll always remember was I was living in San Diego and her and some of our friends from her anime club wanted me to go with them to Denver Comic-Con. Being the pseudo transit I was at the time meant I had neither the transportation or money. Lucky for me... Heather always thought ahead and knew me well enough too have me covered. Heather and her best friends never missed a Comic-Con in Denver, we were pissed when Stan Lee canceled and was replaced with William Shatner.

Throughout the years we had so many memorable nights just being young and loving life. However the inevitable happened and we grew apart. We both met other people. We lost touch after some time, I moved many times, she stayed put. She married another old friend of mine (he is a great guy and an outstanding guitar player) and I too got married.

My wife is an outstanding woman, bisexual like me, and when we met she was the president of a local atheist group. Personally I'm Buddhist but I support her in everything she does. At one of the meetings it was their time vote on a new president or keep her (she was ready to step down). At this meeting there was a new couple who showed up. A highly opinionated and verbally forceful German man (heavy accent and proud) and his girlfriend. Needless to say he took over the whole group and the following meetings became more focused on his ideals and how we should be more militant in how we ran things, claiming "we won't get our message across with these passive aggressive talks, flyers, and billboards!" We stopped going after that.

Sad to say Heather didn't invite me to her wedding but I also didn't invite her. Too be fair I didn't even invite my family, hahaha.

My wife and I moved out of state and thought that the world was ours. My wife loves YouTube news and drama, one day... on May 15th 2017 I was with a friend watching GOTG2 when I felt my phone vibrate. Now I'm not the kind of guy who checks his phone during a movie but I had a feeling it was important.

I opened the text from my wife.

W: Don't you know a girl named Heather A*****?

M: Yeah, why?

W: She died

M: WHAT!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

(My wife didn't know at the time how close Heather and I used too be)

By this point I was in total shock and just sat blank in the theater until the movie ended. As soon as I got home, I read what had happened. Her and her husband broke up so she moved in with her new bf and another woman. What I found out later that night was that her boyfriend was the opinionated German guy! They had a YouTube channel. However the new boyfriend has mental problems and on the night of May 13th 2017 he shot and killed her.

I have heard several theories on what happened that night but one consistent thing is... she wanted out of the relationship and he didn't end up having PTSD as he claimed. My guess is she told him they were done and he couldn't take it.

She died on the ground of the apartment complex parking lot, after escaping their apartment she fell onto the ground weak from bleeding from her neck and chest wounds.

I can't even begin to comprehend the terror she felt that night, having just be truly betrayed by someone whom you trusted completely. Crying on the ground, cold and alone, her blood pumping heavy because of the shock. Looking up at that cold night sky and wondering if her yells for help were heard or fell upon def ears... until finally at such a loss for blood she slowly lost consciousness. Wondering if she'd wake up, if she had fulfilled her life the way she wanted, if she would ever get the chance to tell her friends and family how much she truly loves them in spite of their faults.

People tell me I shouldn't blame myself or ask what if. However, it's hard for me not to. I sat at the same table and talked with the man who would kill her in a few years. I knew he wasn't a good person and if I knew she was dating him I could have warned her (she always trusted me with things like that). Had I known she got divorced I could/should have reached out to her so she wouldn't have met him.

I used to love cosplay, making art, skateboarding and much more... but now everything reminds me of her. My wife (rightfully so) worries about my mental health.

I'm so torn I want to live on and be the artist Heather and my family know I can be, but at the same time... well I just want to die. The last thing anyone describing me would say is sad or depressed but no matter how much I donate to Heather's Gofundme, talk with her mum or our mutual friends, make art honouring her, I feel I can't do enough.

In the end I regret never making amends with Heather while I could.

So please, for me... for my friend Heather, let go and forgive everything with everyone while you can. Life is truly far too short.