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Compersion

A Path Through Divorce

By Netta JamiesonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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We were just kids back then. Me at nineteen and he was 20, I was four months pregnant but no one could tell in my tight fitting strapless wedding dress that cost a mere 200 dollars for at a local bridal store. The wedding was small and inexpensive. We paid for the wedding for the most part ourselves since neither sets of parents had money. The groom's mother paid for my dress and my parents paid for the flowers. We got married in his mother's church his side of the chapel was full and my side had some. We had a modest reception and a church my father had gone to growing up and we spent the night at a hotel that was lovingly paid for by his sister.

But behind the smiles were struggles. A loneliness inside me that I could not come to terms with. And a need within my husband that could not fulfilled by me. We struggled through our marriage for 12 years. Through endless fights, tears, and lonely nights. We had three beautiful children together but still could not reconcile our differences.

After 12 years it was time for me to walk away. The time had come for me to move out and moved on and so did he but before we did we made a promise and this promise is the most important promise we have ever made in our entire lives. Put the kids first. Put them first no matter what.

Looking around at the divorced couples we knew and with the help of social media joined a support group and spoke to the women in that group and for the most part it was all the same. They hated each their ex’s sand the kids were scheduled to see their parents on certain days and the relationships were rocky and they had to go to court and argue and it was hurtful and harsh. Thinking about it and looking at my kids and looking at myself and as a mother I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to my kids and that kind of relationship was never the kind of relationship I wanted with the father of my children.

This is where the art of compersion comes in. Compersion is learning to feel joy for someone who is experiencing joy with someone else. They told me not to trust my ex. Everyone did, but trust is important in any relationship. So I did what everyone told me not to do I went to my ex and I said no courts no child support. I don't want to do that to you. Courts treat men unfairly in the system. As long as you treat your children fairly I will treat you fairly.

He moved his girlfriend in after two months. Flipping out was an option. Shunning her or hating her for “replacing me” would have been the norm. But that didn’t help the end goal of a happy family. I chose to get to know her, and to befriend her. We went shopping at my favorite thrift stores. We had lunch and sipped coffee. We exchanged advice on the children from our different a valuable perspectives. We learned that the two of us are both valuable to the children and that we both have a place in this family and I am truly happy to have her in this family and I hope she stays. She is a beautiful person and our children can learn a lot from her.

We have to as mothers think about our children first. They did not have a choice when coming into this world. They did not have a choice when we decided to get divorced. We have a moral obligation to make this transition as easy a possible and fighting with the ex is one of the worst things we can do. It is not easy. There were many nights spent crying and yes my kids saw that part because I wanted them to see that it's not all fun and games they need to see the healing part as well.

Compersion helped me through this process. Finding joy in his joy helped me heal. Seeing the father of my children happy is a relief and brings me happiness. The last thing I want out of our divorce or any divorce is to see either party unhappy or lonely. I encourage everyone to practice compersion.

There is light at the end of at the tunnel of divorce but it takes compromise, tears, patience, sacrifice, and most of all, compersion.

divorce
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About the Creator

Netta Jamieson

A mother, a partner, chicken owner, an artist, an activist, a survivor, a fighter, a lesbian, a sister, story teller.

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