Crazy Mad Love

A day home alone finally allowed her time to reflect. She thought about everything. Everything near and far. Old memories, ones she’d let run through her mind a thousand times over and ones she hadn’t allowed herself to think about until now. It’d almost been a year, she thought to herself. A year since she’d met Tony. Tony Fisher. His real name already sounded like that of a fairytale character. She laughed. Her First “official” boyfriend. Not an almost relationship like all the ones before that had been. Their whole relationship only lasted for about a month but boy did that encounter influence her life.

She wasn’t sure what had caused those memories to come rushing back to her at this moment. After they’d broken up she pretty much banished him from her life. That included the memories they created together. The whole situation had just left her feeling uneasy. Perhaps it was the cold weather, the leaves on the ground, the frosty chill, reminiscent of last year. But she finally allowed herself to remember. From that first date to their final breakup. It made her sad in a kind of nostalgic way. It seemed so long ago.

She remembered the excitement. The rush after their first encounter. They had met in an Uber. He was the driver and she was on her way to school. They had almost instantly clicked. She remembered one moment in particular. A J Cole song came on his Pandora radio station. The one she’d been listening to on repeat for the last month. She got so hyped that she sang along to it in the car with no regards for her sanity or appearance. After the song passed they both laughed. They exchanged numbers and she headed to class. She was late… again. But she didn’t care, she skipped to class all giddy ‘n shit. She remembered getting to class with this big grin on her face. Sitting down quietly and finally bursting with excitement when she finally got to tell her friends. She remembered later that same night. He sent her texts while she was at the gym. They planned their first date. He proposed going to the movies. She quickly vetoed that option. Movie dates were the worst. The last time she’d gone on a movie date with a guy she’d spent the entire night preventing him from throwing popcorn down her shirt. Granted she was only sixteen at the time, but still, come on. Besides if she wanted to go see a movie, she'd focus on the movie not the person. She wanted to get to know him. It was December she proposed that they go drive around neighborhoods and look at Christmas lights. So that’s what they did. She remembered before their first date, the anticipation alone killed her. She was so nervous. She remembered getting ready and listening to Pink. Checking her phone every few minutes so that she wouldn’t miss his text. She’d told her mom she was going out with a couple friends and that it was her friend who was picking her up. The “Hey, I’m here.” text finally arrived and she nervously approached the door. She said goodbye to her mom and closed the door. Their he was. Him and his big red Jeep. They got into the car and off they went. She giggled. Never had she done anything like this before. Lied to her mom about her whereabouts. Gotten into a strangers car. She was filled with adrenaline. When she had said “drive around and see Christmas lights” she’d actually meant drive but he parked the car and got out. He had stopped in a tiny neighborhood. She didn’t know how to bring that up so she just went along with the moment. He quickly discovered there wasn’t much to see and so they both laughed and headed back to the car. They drove around sort of aimlessly talking about all sorts of things. She told him about her love for dance and he told her about the dance classes he'd taken. They pulled over into a parking lot. She had no idea where he was going with this. He told her to get out of the car. She did. He gently took her hands and instructed her movements. He had his car speakers loud enough so they could still hear the music outside the car. They sort of waltzed and danced around together and, for a brief moment, everything went in slow motion. She leaned in and then and there was there first kiss. It was romantic. The kind of cheesy stuff you saw in movies. They both giggled as the moment disappeared and they felt the cold nip at their heels. They got back into the car and went to one more destination. They ended up staying in the car and making out for a solid half an hour. Then they called it a night and he brought her back home. She couldn’t believe all that had just happened. Was this real life? She thought. It was and it was only the beginning.

She remembered those magical first weeks. Before she saw the crazy in him. Everything after that was a blur. She remembered. She remembered meeting his weird family. She remembered their wild night rides out to Stinson beach. She remembered going to see the worst Star Wars movie ever, out in theaters at the time, with him and his friends, her hands on his crotch the whole time. She remembered getting fingered in the back of his car and falling asleep in the parking lot. She remembered all the drives up to Santa Rosa. She remembered him telling her his salesman tricks. How he’d gotten some poor women to pay two thousand dollars for two years worth of beauty supplies. She remembered the various sex shops they visited and the first pair of handcuffs they bought. She remembered the time they’d gone to the city and forgotten where he’d parked his car. They’d spent the whole afternoon looking for it. She remembered when she began seeing the little red flags and warning signs and ignoring them. She remembered telling him she was actually seventeen afraid of what his reaction would be but also kind of hoping it would cause him to break up with her. She remembered him letting her drive his car even though she didn’t even have her permit yet. She remembered “officially” losing her virginity to him in that trailer in Santa Cruz. She remembered sneaking into movies with him. She remembered going to the gym together. But this was just distance and time causing her to focus on all the good things. She also remembered the neediness at the end. His desperation that had made her resent him. The time he broke into her house to leave her a “surprise”, a giant teddy bear and Hallmark card on the side. By far the creepiest thing anybody had ever done to her. The time he’d introduced her to his friend and accused her of flirting with him and wanting to fuck him. His possessiveness towards the end was overwhelming. When she finally had gotten the courage to break it off with him it took her three tries and a very long and sad blow job to finally end it. That was already a year ago and so much yet so little had changed.