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Dear Love {That Isn't to Be}

Unrequited Love

By J. R.Published 6 years ago 7 min read
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There is so much I wish to say to you in person. But since this cannot be, I will try my best to adequately express my feelings and thoughts via this letter.

Firstly, and most likely surprisingly to you, I have fallen for you. Yep. It began when I first met you and has continued steadily ever since.

Little things, things that most people wouldn't appreciate or notice (some of it rightfully so, since it's something only to be shared by significant others, haha)—those things grew my attraction even more. How you would open doors for me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead, acted like a gentleman on dates, bragged on me to your family, twirled me around, let me lay my head on your chest.

Other things were not-so-little and therefore all the more attractive. ;) Your patience and gentleness with children, the way your eyes sparkled when telling stories about your nieces and nephews, sharing childhood stories, and hurts and pain from your past. How close I could tell you are to your family. How you did random acts of service for others and reached out to the outcasts. How you spent countless hours listening and conversing with me about all sorts of topics—family, friends, food, fun, films. How you gave up naps so you could talk with me (now that's true love!) How you did little things and big things to show that you cared about me and appreciated my family. How you went on long walks with me, just talking, even though you'd rather go on a run. How you offered to let me call and talk to you when I had a bad dream. How you regularly called me beautiful and told me that make-up wasn't necessary. How you missed concerts and movies and other things with friends because you didn't want to go without me. How you shared about various past mistakes you made and in such a contrite way it nearly made me cry.

I even liked the ways you gently teased me. I'll miss that and our banters and laughter and my cheesy puns and your witty comebacks.

You are such a generous soul. You may view yourself as a cheapskate or a selfish jerk, but that's not at all what I see in you. Maybe "love is blind," as they say. I don't think so, though. I've seen your faults and choose to love you anyway.

Oh yes, you are quite good enough for me. You sacrificed a lot for me, even in the brief time dating you. You love well. I knew I could be almost entirely comfortable with you. And I felt safe. I knew you respected me, my body and my purity.

I was honored by how you must've trusted me a great deal in order to share some of your past struggles and hurts. I hope and pray I was the supportive best friend and girlfriend that you needed at that time.

I know that often I found it difficult to express—verbally and visibly—how I felt in response to your pain. But please know, my heart broke for you many times. And it still does. I wanted to make it all better. To hold you and comfort you somehow. I regret my failure of support in those instances as well as in other times of stress for you.

I hope that despite this, that my life—but mostly my love—impacted your life for the better. That you are a stronger, braver man because my little insignificant life touched yours.

I will NEVER view our time together as a waste. Maybe disappointing, but never a waste. Yes, I may have wanted a long-term relationship, maybe even marriage. But those things haven't transpired. That's okay. I know we will learn more about ourselves because of this.

Of course, knowing that doesn't lessen the pain or disappointment any. But I suppose it grants a measure of peace knowing there is purpose in this pain.

I know you must be hurting too. Perhaps in denial of that or trying to hide it. But your face used to be so animated and full of life. Mischievously twinkling eyes, dimpled cheeks that deepened when you smiled or laughed. Now, your face shows seemingly not emotion. I honestly think it's your way of hiding how much you're really hurting. You just don't realize it has the opposite effect—because of your altered behavior, it makes it more obvious that you're *not* alright. I know this because you're not heartless and I know you feel deeply. That you never forget how you've felt.

At this point, you're probably wishing you could forget me or that we could just move on to being "just friends." In some (very few) ways, I wish that too—the part about moving on toward "just friendship." But I can't. Not yet.

My heart soars and then crashes into a million pieces every time you're around. I see you from a distance—more handsome and attractive than ever—and my heart thumps in excitement and anticipation. Only to remember that you aren't mine—and I am not yours—anymore.

Maybe, one day, I'll view you as part of my history. "A thing of the past." But right now, you're still very much a part of my heart. And the pain is very much present.

I hope that eventually, I can be a good friend to you—a supportive and compassionate friend for many years. I hope that you'll be able to be the same for me. That we'll be able to look beyond the "here and now" and the pain and regrets we have.

And someday, when you can love someone beyond friendship, I pray that she may be a woman worthy of you. One who loves you as I have, but better.

I hope that in whatever venture you are led—whether it be all you have dreamed or not—that you will be blessed tremendously above anything you have ever imagined.

I hope that you'll continue to seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly.

I can honestly say that I hold no malice toward you for breaking up with me. It has hurt tremendously, yes—more than basically anything I've ever gone through. But I know and firmly believe that—as you have said—you truly care for me and want the best for me. Even if that weren't the case (which is quite impossible—seeing you have one of the tenderest hearts I've encountered), I am not the vindictive sort and my goal is to love even my enemies. But nothing to fear, you're FAR from ever being my enemy!

You may feel as though you failed to give me the time and attention you think I deserved, but you haven't.

If anyone has failed, it would be me. This relationship has cost me relatively little (except my heart). I regret not having shared more of my faults and fears with you—so you wouldn't feel like you were beneath me. Instead, I put up a facade of sorts. I wasn't entirely vulnerable with you, and that hurt our relationship and it hurt you.

I'm truly sorry for any grief or pain I am sure to have caused you during our relationship and break up. Trust me when I say that any pain inflicted was entirely unintentional. That I really only have ever wanted the ABSOLUTE BEST for you! Please, please, please forgive me. I'm still learning how to love, but I hate that I "learned on you."

I hope that you truly and fully accept love soon—immediately—so that no more of your beautiful life is consumed by self-blame, remorse, bitterness, or any other unnecessary burdens you may bear.

Not to say that you are weak. In fact, you have incredible strength that has carried you through so many heartbreaking circumstances. You have pressed on despite all of this. I know this same resilience will aid you in healing from our break up.

At the same time, strength isn't always having the courage to move forward. Sometimes, strength is having the humility and self-awareness to say, "I'm not okay," and to cry if necessary.

Crying is such a relief. You might try it. ;) I think our bodies are designed to respond in certain ways when we inadequately release our emotions. Believe me, I've learned it the hard way. I hope that you'll find a healthy way to release your emotions. It might mean crying.

There is still so much on my heart that I want to say, but that will have to wait for another letter. Know that I love you still and I view you as one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

Sincerely,

Me

breakups
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About the Creator

J. R.

Millennial authoress, pen dripping with raw narratives from real life.

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