Diary of a Broken Wife

Have you ever asked yourself, why am I just a convenience? Well, this is my story about how I am nothing, but an inconvenience to the man who I thought loved me. It all started back in 2013 when I got a message on social media from a kid that I went to school with, but never would have dated back in high school. I read the message and thought I have nothing to lose at this point, I will give it a try. I began to message him back which led to meeting him at my work. I remember it like it was yesterday, he pulled up in his beat-up blazer, it was July and I was working at a pool store in Marion, Indiana. I told him to meet me behind the building at the Circle K gas station in the back-parking lot. I walk out of the pool store and see this cute short kid in basketball shorts, a wife beater, and sandals. I thought, “he is so cute” and I couldn’t help but hug him. We talked about our day and other small talk when I told him I better get back into work before my boss wonders what happened to me. I hug him goodbye and felt my body move in for a kiss, like I couldn’t stop it. It just felt right and I was so comfortable with him.

We began texting after that day and seeing each other a lot more when on July 11th 2013 I drove to his house for a few minutes and he asked me to become his girlfriend. Without hesitation, I said of course I will. I was so happy that day and couldn’t stop smiling. It was then May 2017 and we have been married for 7 months and things are not the same. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest, but for a long time this relationship has been hard. We have split and got back together, fought, and even done stupid things to hurt one another. The 9th of May was one of the worst yet. My husband was called off work due to rain (he works outside) so we spent the morning sitting in the living room drinking coffee while he sits on his phone. His phone is something that he is on 24/7 when he is at home. He then proceeds to tell me that he is going to get his dad so he can help him clean out the garage due to us moving and having a rummage soon. He gets his dad and comes back in a timely manner, but you guys don’t know that I can’t stand his dad. My father-in-law is just not a good man and hurts a lot of people. Hid dad has no respect for woman and has not shown my husband how a man should treat a woman. My husband does the dumbest things and treats me even worse when he is around his dad.

Going back to the story, he comes back with his dad and they begin to clean out the garage. They finish and it’s time for my husband to take his dad home. He tells me, "I am just going to run my dad home then I’ll come back and help you make dinner." This was around 4:30 and it is now 9:04 and he is still not home. I asked him if he was going to be home soon around 5:30 and he said I must take my dad to the store, I said okay. Another hour goes by, it's 6:30, and I asked if he was on his way home, he told me he had to take his dad’s friend somewhere, but couldn’t tell me where. He won’t tell me where he is at all. Now when being married and your husband can’t tell you where he is and tells you, I quote, “Don’t worry about it,” I am going to have a lot of concerns. I just instantly think he is probably cheating or at a bar blowing all the money we don’t have. I didn’t mention in the beginning that we have a two-year-old daughter who I stay home with every day and I am pregnant with our little boy. I clean the house for him every day, I cook dinner every day, I do his laundry. I pack his lunch for work, the real question is, what don’t I do for him?

I know most of you are thinking, “Why are you still with him, why haven’t you left him a long time ago, why do you do all these things for him if he doesn’t do anything for you?” Honestly, my answer is I don’t know. I guess it’s because I love this man with all my heart and I thought he loved me just as much, but he has proven to me that I am wrong. This man doesn’t love me at all. I am just a convenience! I am here when he wants something done. I often refer to myself as his in-home maid with benefits. Someone once told me that I love so hard and get shit on by every man I have ever loved. This is a statement that I will never forget, I can’t forget. As I write this with a broken heart I am telling myself that I don’t deserve this and I need to quite telling myself that he will change. He won’t change until he wants to change and I can tell you he isn’t ready to be married and have a family. He is stuck in the high school single days where he wants to drink and do whatever he wants. I hope whoever is reading this takes my story and uses it as a warning and something to look out for when dating a man. They will be great in the beginning and sweep you off your feet, but when they know they have you with a ring and vows he will change and for the worse. I ask that you are cautious when trying to find your soulmate, I thought I had mine, but I am only and will only be his convenience.