Emotional Heavy

Oversexed, overly desired. That’s how I’ve felt a lot, especially every Wednesday.

I’m sick of it being this designated day men are set to. Hump day can move days or go fuck itself.

No, I don’t feel hornier on a Wednesday than I do every other day. In fact, I want to be desired less that day, in fact not at all.

Why can’t men be original? Why can’t they just be horny just ‘cause we’re good-looking and not because of a day of the week?

Oh, and I hate February 14th for that too. Any 14th or 18th really can go fuck itself too.

Why must you relegate me to a day of the week like that? You act as though I chose it, or would.

My looks alone, not compared with Nicole Kidman’s, not compared with anyone else’s, should do it for you. I don’t want my x-factor to. I don’t want my personality to, because it’s not supposed to at first.

I want that moment, ordinarily, not on the days and dates I mentioned, when a man is noticing my body not just my face. Look me in the face and I’ll assume you want a relationship. Look me in the body and I’ll assume you just want sex.

Look me in the face and I’ll assume you don’t like my body, that there’s something wrong with it. Look me in the face and I’ll feel rejected since I don’t hear your thoughts going into it. I only hear my own.

They tell me the attention isn’t sexual enough, that I haven’t proven to myself that I’m desirable in a way that I’d like. No children, no marriage obligated of me just to be desired. No relationship either. Just because I like the organ that can give me children doesn’t mean I want them or permanency.

Relationships take work. Making someone want a relationship out of you involves having the personality they want, not just the looks. It involves their being biased towards you, not just desirous of you.

Marriages take even more work. Joint bank accounts, financial decisions, where to live, whether or not to have kids, whether or not to have pets, who does which chores, whether or not someone’s friends or relatives live with you.

Marriages with children take even more work than that. Which religion to raise them as, which school to send them to, which pre-school or academy to send them to, how to proceed if they’re gay or bi, how to proceed if they’re trans, whether or not to raise them genderless, how many to have, how to proceed if there’s a miscarriage, who to allow to help you raise them, whether or not to have a babysitter, whether or not they’ll have psychological problems, whether or not they’ll have ongoing medical problems.

So, since I’m tired enough with my own problems that I’m trying to resolve, I don’t need all of that in my life. I have one cat, and she is the other part of my world. I’m also job-seeking and not succeeding thus far. Submitting stories to this site for people to donate if they like them enough and blogging on Blogger.com with ads up for people to click on are my ways of making money.

Still no success in those. Of course, there is the thought that, “I’ve just read the entire thing for free, so why would I pay for it?”

I do still feel like my emotional luggage is enough for me right now and that a relationship is too heavy. I’ve done that before and gotten hurt. I’ve done that before and felt emotionally tired from the addition of their heavy.

Love and relationships should be rewarding, not just painfully heavy. I don’t think anyone’s enough of an emotional masochist to put up with just the painful part.