Emotionally Unemotional
The Struggle of Feeling Too Much, Yet Hiding it All...
It's always something small. Your spouse, your parents, a friend, literally anyone you love says or does the littlest thing. Even though you know it's ridiculous for such a little thing to hurt your feelings, it still does. But, knowing it's ridiculous doesn't make the pain stop, instead you feel your heart cracking into a million little pieces. It's a physical pain, one that can almost feel like you're dying, but at the same time is incredibly easy to hide from the world.
Once I asked my father if he was proud of me. I got married and had kids young, yet I lived in a nice house and have always been a very good wife and mother. I didn't have time or the means to go after a career for myself at the time, but I thought I was doing well with what I had. So when I asked my father if he was proud, his response of "Of what?" Really cut deep. I know it was ridiculous to be upset so instead of letting those tears roll down my cheeks I locked them in my eyes and refused to let him know that I was so weak with my unreasonable feelings and to this day I don't think he ever knew he broke my heart, just a little. Just this morning I asked my husband to make me some breakfast. I had just fed our kids breakfast and he didn't have to work today I thought it would be nice. Instead he angrily gets up and says "Well what the f**k do you want?" I quietly said that I wasn't sure and that he should sit back down, that when I decided I would make it myself. I knew exactly what I had wanted though. But still, I lied. I pretended to be preoccupied with my phone and fought back the tears. I wouldn't let them give me away. I wouldn't let him know that I have so many issues, buried so deep, that the slightest feeling of rejection or the smallest hint of being someone's burden or annoyance will kill me a little inside. Everyone around me thinks I have no emotions. I hear things like "You have a heart of ice" and "Why do you always have to be so cold?" I am, in fact, not cold at all. I feel everything, all the time, and when it's too much and I want to break down I shut down until I'm all alone. I don't want people to feel pity for me like I some poor little puppy. So I hide it.
No one will ever know how many times I cried myself to sleep over something that meant nothing. The times I've cried right after my husband leaves for work, holding back all the tears until the moment I hear the door close behind him. The times I've been on the phone, and someone said the tiniest mean thing and I physically felt my heart crack, yet I continued to talk with tears rolling down my face and they never knew. That's just who I am. I know that my father loves me, I know without any doubt in my heart that my husband loves me. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you know someone loves you, you can still feel like you are a hindrance in their life. I personally think either I really shouldn't be so sensitive or people should be kinder, because you really never know what will hurt someone. Sometimes a little consideration can save someone a lot of pain. Not everyone will tell you when they're hurt. Not everyone is willing to admit when they are vulnerable. Until people learn to read my face better, or I learn to be a little tougher, I will continue being "cold" and "unemotional." The strong person who is never weak. To everyone else at least... I think some of the reason I hide my emotions stems from childhood. My mother would chide me any time I cried saying that all I wanted was a "pity party." That constant disapproval of showing how I really feel made me shriek away from any kind of pity or vulnerability. I have been through so much in my short life, and if you met me on the street you would have no clue that I was any different from any other girl.
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