Head First Into Toxic Waste

Toxic love has victimized many people in different forms. Like many who have experienced toxic love with another knows the tragedy that comes along with it. Toxic love forms a bubble that cascades the weak and the willing together to form a unity or a bond. Like a parasite it leaches to your soul. It feeds off of another person’s weakened entity to survive.

When I met my first true love I was 16. So what I thought to be true love was true horror hidden behind deep blue eyes and curly brown hair. With the breakdown of my family tree I leaped forward into a pool of faith hoping that this first move would open new doors for me, soften my soul, and help me break free of this ignorant person I was stuck to be. I was more than fooled into believing that he was my protector, provider, nurturer, or enlightener. The condition of my relationship ruined me as a person, ruined my family and ruined my life.

With every new day came new challenges. If you could only imagine waking up to someone who used you and abused you. Of course the smart thing to do was to leave him... but how could I ? He had me wrapped around his finger. He was taking care of me... It felt like an obligation to stay. At the same time I still loved him.

Months deep he became more in love with the touch of poison than he ever was with me. Whenever he drank he would get very angry at me. I didn't know why or what for. We used to get drunk together all the time. We would laugh with each other all night over a box of pizza and romantic comedies. That image alone brings back such wonderful memories. Memories I could never forget. One time he even serenaded me and I started crying because it was so romantic and innocent. If only I had a recorder with me that night so I could replay it every night to still feel him with me.

Carrying baggage as if I were backpacking around Europe sent me on a rollercoaster of unfortunate events. I fell into a dark hole that led me down the path of drug abuse and anorexia. Every night I was out there running the streets for my next fix or next buck. Multiple suicide attempts to escape my present sent me to my past. Man do I wish I had just died.

That one hysterical fight of many had my hands crossed behind my back. She read my rights and carried on with the arrest. One week I was in holding cells wishing why oh why couldn't I have just died? Even though he was the bad guy, his acts viciously turned against me the one day I stood up for myself.

When I was sitting in the interrogation room I took out all my piercings as if to resemble a new beginning once I left there. I promised myself I wasn't going to go back to him. I knew I had a better life awaiting me, all I had to do was exit. Something was holding me back though and I just couldn't figure out what.

Fear is a devil. Fear held me back from changing so many things in my control. I burned all bridges with my mother, my friends, and anyone dear to me. My priority was making him happy without making myself happy. His happiness became mine and I lost touch with the feeling of true happiness; to be free.

Now I can confidently say nothing compares to the feeling of being accountable to yourself and no other; other than a good man. I've entered into a healthy loving relationship that I do see going a long way. We've only made it to a year but I look forward to many more... he's a keeper!