Heart Breaking June

6/21/16

A man can either make you feel on top of the world, like you are floating on cloud 9, or like you can't do anything that's worthy of their love. So low to the ground that even the car you're driving runs you over. Well, at least that has been my experience with them. Even from the very first to have entered my life at it's conception. Not one has ever made me to feel worthy of any love that they had to give. I wonder if that's why I never really accepted the love, if any at all was even given.

My first lesson in love from man was that they leave their blessings behind and to the wind. That came early on before I was even born, taught by my biological father and reinforced by my mother.

Listening to the many varied stories told over the years by her to include; who was my father, who could have been, who wanted to be, but whom she wouldn't allow, and finally why no one has brought me to the subconscious conclusion that I wasn't worth it. Maybe that's why in the past I was so easily wifed up by those who took advantage of this very undesirable feeling of inadequacy. After all my aura was screaming what's so special about me? Please tell me...

When I was much younger, Psalms 68:5 & Psalm 27:10 became my go to and I am so grateful that He has proven it's reality to my bleeding heart over and over again. Heck, I thought I was over daddy issues. Shit, I got a daddy and He loves me.

6/23/16

I feel he dreads me and for that I dread him. The lack of authenticity is so real. He's so grounded that he buries me with dirt. This type of loneliness confounds me. He often tries to convince me after I am convinced. It's hurtful how he disregards me for who he would like me to be. Oftentimes I pose the question "why did you even marry me?" It is a question never met with a solid answer. The only answers come from his actions. I'm not what he's after. I love me. I love him. I don't like or love how he treats me. On most days I'm tolerating him just as much as I feel tolerated until I can not tolerate no more. He pushes in ways that bring heartache, not progress.

6/23/16 11:49pm

As I listen to "Matrimony" by Maxwell, I am thinking maybe I was looking for someone looking for the same things. Matrimony tryna save me. Then as I reflect further I probably should not have been thinking matrimony at all..I'm so tired......

I believe I was truly ready for love and marriage. I just wasn't ready to be back in hurt, in pain, in disgrace, in frustration, in shame, in what appears to be a game.

He wants to talk, I just assume not. I'm so tired.... My language bothers him anyway. Lol. It's crazy how it didn't bother him for a whole year of phone calls, texts, and letters. It never bothered him before we married, before the lies, before the rumors, before the back biting, before the family that decided they hated me before they even got to know me. The family that he chose to defend over me and join in the scorn of me. The family that I no longer feel the need to be a part of. Shit you need them, I don't. I got my own family and they like me just fine. Heck they love me in real life and unconditional as I do them.

6/24/16

I will not fret. I will not worry. Though I feel broken-hearted that my love was taken for the lack thereof and it's unfortunate. I'm sad. I don't want to be and I'm not totally but when I reflect on that part.

He leaves me no choice and he knows it. I wasn't perfect, but I was loyal, honest, forgiving, humble, and true.

For a time I was all until I could only muster about two. Why is he treating me as if I owe him something more than I have to give? The games that are being played belong to him.

Lord help me. Forgive me if I have sinned, help me to do better. Back to giving in whatever way that I can to those who could use some love. I'll brighten up the day of some people (every person if possible) that I come in contact with, starting with my babies...I am loved and will love intentionally!

6/25/16

Last night was rough. Thank you Lord for seeing me through. Today will be a blessing once again. Help us shed our light in dark hopeless places. Help us love from the heart.

6/26/16

Why is it you say you love me, but then behave contrary? The adversary speaks negatively to hinder me. When I speak lovingly, you forcefully work against me. I have to do better by loving me. You have succeeded in making me jealous and thinking a bad way, but only long enough for me to remember me and how that's not the way to be. You search for wrong instead of leading right. I search for right and was lead by you to wrong. Everything you accuse me of has been false and what's worse is that you know this truth. I am not playing victim but I have taken a loss, of time, of love, of heart. You have proven your love to who? Your allegiance is wrong. You committed and promised yourself to me. Do you understand the gravity? The calamity? The degree? I'm sad right now, but I will be happy. Life is not a game, but the long race I will win! Forever I win. Faithfully I win! In God I win! In Christ I win! In LOVE I WIN