How I Ended a Pre-Abusive Relationship

Let’s get real honest.

It is 3 PM on a Wednesday, I work in an hour and am sucking down the most delicious iced coffee, except this one is full of alcohol. I am drinking an hour before work. I just went to a store that I have a birthday gift card for and I did not leave with a single thing, although I loved everything. I’ve cried repeatedly, in my bed, in my car and once at the mere mention of Gilmore Girls. I also feel like crawling in a hole and going into a coma. This all might say something about my heart condition in this moment. My heart is a mess. In the words of Ed Sheeran “Oh I’m a mess right now, inside out.”

I just ended a relationship. While it was a short one, it was intense, it was meaningful and it was my first real relationship with a man in all of my 25 years on earth. It lasted 2-3 weeks and now my heart is a wreck. It is surprising and somewhat silly to me that a relationship that was so short could leave such a crater-sized impact. I had to end it though, I really did. I struggled for weeks with whether I should be with him, talk about unhealthy. I felt so confused and straight crazy, and I could see red flags start littering the ground around us. I sort of resent the fact that I had to be strong, that I had to follow my heart and that I have morals. I wanted to throw everything to the wind…isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when falling in love?

But this wasn’t right. Everything in me told me he wasn’t the one I am going to spend my life with and it was so hard to just be present in something I knew had to end. I fought constantly with the urge to just run away with him in a hippie van, have lots of sex and make adorable babies. That doesn’t sound too bad does it? Unfortunately I can’t do that, not right now and not with him. Not with someone I don’t intend to marry or make a life with. It had to end when it did. In fact, it should have ended a week into it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. To look in his beautiful eyes and tell him we shouldn’t be together. Especially when so much of me wanted it. Maybe it was good that it ended the way it did. With anger, suddenness, a door slammed and a curse. Maybe if it had been softer I wouldn’t have done it. The words of the P4cm poem about waiting for the right one wouldn’t stop playing in my head.

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks and all he could whisper were sweet empty nothings. Which meant nothing. I couldn’t even get him to pray when I needed to, asking him to fast would be absurd, so forget about being cleansed and washed with water through the word.” - Janette..ikz P4CM

I couldn’t get away from the feeling that I wasn’t doing right by myself. It would be things like his anger, past drug use and sudden outbursts at situations or people. Anger I knew would eventually turn towards me. His mood swings that affected mine and his depression that clouded my joy. Some days were lovely, some days we’d laugh and be silly and kiss in the sun. The next day he’d be upset, exhausted and moody. I felt bi-polar the entire time until I realized that it wasn’t mine. But I do miss him. I fell quickly and deeply for him. I remembered what it was like to be held and kissed, to be adored, to be told everyday about my beauty. I remembered shared laughter and tickling and tiny inside jokes. And then it was ripped away….by myself admittedly. I fully believe that if I had stayed it would have gotten worse and that maybe being more in love with him I would have stayed no matter what. I try to get myself to stop believing the lies. To believe for once that men like me romantically, men find me attractive physically, emotionally, sexually and mentally. Men fall in love with me. Men pick me first. I am worthy of the love of a good man but that maybe all men aren't worthy of me and that's okay. It’s so hard to believe sometimes.