How to Deal With a Break Up on Social Media

Pretty much every single person above the age of 12 has gone through a break up, or at the very least, a rejection. And a large percentage of these people are on social media.

We all deal with break ups differently. Some of us are like “meh, it wasn’t meant to be, so whatever.” Some of us don’t leave our house for days because we’re big, puffy pits of despair that literally feel like we could die at any moment. And some of us want to take to social media to give an appearance of what we are (or are not). Here are some rules that I’ve come up with to help things go the way they should. My advice is unwarranted, unprofessional, and probably complete bullshit. But if I can help one person, well. Here you go.

3 Things Not to Do

1. To Delete or Not to Delete

Do we delete our exes off social media or do we remain friends? In my humble opinion, I would say the answer is always DELETE.

First of all, the ex is going to post things. Maybe they’re the type to overshare; maybe they’re not. But no matter what they post, you’re going to sit there and overanalyze every photo and every person who likes or comments on that photo. Maybe it will be harmless. Or maybe it will rip your fucking heart out of your ass when you see they’re on a date with some awful rebound seemingly way too early. You don’t need to see that shit. Delete them.

Secondly, anyone who wants to remains friends with an ex is a psychopath. Literally. They actually did a study on it and according to an article written in The Sun, “people who displayed 'dark personality traits' including psychopathy and narcissism were a group who were more likely to stay friends with exes.” So don’t be psycho, Norman.

2. To Post the Quotes or Not to Post the Quotes

I am guilty of this. But I feel like there’s a type to share and a type to not share. The ones that go along the lines of “I’m too good anyways, have fun with your trash, yadda, yadda, I’m a cynical hurting bitch” are probably not too wise to share. I can’t even really explain why. They’re just… tacky? They just scream “I JUST BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE AND I’M TRYING TO ACT LIKE I HAVE NO HEART BUT IT’S LITERALLY TORN TO PIECES AND I NEED SOME VALIDATION.” This is normal but it just comes off weird. But worse than the tacky weirdness, it screams for attention, which is fine, but you’re not going to get it from the right people. You’re going to get it from, as I so eloquently like to refer to them as, “the break-up whores.” Men and women alike seek out people going through break ups. They think “Ohh, a sad, vulnerable person looking for a rebound” and they fucking pounce. Honestly, I dare you to test it out right now even if you’re not going through a break up. There are millions of weirdos out there who crave that hurtin’ vag (or dick). You don’t want those people. Seriously. You don’t. You’ll just end up sharing more stupid, angry quotes next week.

3. To Post the Pictures with All Your Friends or Not to Post the Pictures with All Your Friends

To this, I say maybe. Classy pictures with friends are a must — maybe the ones where you’re out for coffee or dinner, or you’re hiking or traveling or whatnot. Any picture of you looking healthy and happy and interesting are a must.

But, the ones where you’re smashed out of your face with your cooter hanging out are not so great. These scream, “I’m newly single and feeling horrible so I’m going to drink my sorrows away and want to have sex with anyone or anything!” Maybe that’s not what you’re getting at. Most likely you’re trying to say “I’m trying to be happy, I’m free, look at how good I’m doing without you.” But no one sees it that way. Your ex doesn’t see it that way. And maybe you just shouldn’t give a fuck about what people see and you should just do your thing, but this is my opinion which you probably shouldn’t care about.

What You Should Do

1. Don’t post anything for a while.

Nothing is more intriguing than a little mystery. Is she happy? Is he sad? Is she dead? Is he traveling abroad and so amazingly forgot to bring his phone? No one knows. And what no one knows really kills them and it’s actually really fun to make people wonder.

2. Post normal things.

Are you usually posting photos of your food? Photos of your dog? Those workout selfies that we all hate (but secretly love)? Keep doing that. To see that you’re completely unaffected is pretty cool. It makes you look stronger than you would if you simply said “look how strong I am.” It makes you look groovy as gravy sauce. It makes you look great. It will make people mind their own damn business as well, which is a double whammy.

3. Be secretly petty.

This one is tricky. You’re going to have to get creative. About a month after my break up, I posted this really cute picture of myself. I don’t want to refer to it as a “selfie” (even though that’s exactly what it was) because I put my phone up on a shelf, set a timer, and made it look like someone else took the photo. In it, I was sipping some cute, fruity drink. Perfectly placed in the background was another drink, a martini glass half-filled with water. Why? TO MAKE IT APPEAR THAT I WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T BECAUSE MY HEART WAS A SHATTERED PIECE OF SHIT ON THE FLOOR. But no one could tell. I think maybe 45 minutes after I posted the photo, my ex was like, “Who are you with?”

Muahaha.

So this is how it’s done. This is how you fake it. But I mean, that whole relationship was fake, was it not? So just be you. The normal you. And what will you accomplish? Nothing really. But you’ll keep your social media dignity, you may actually win back the ex if that’s what you want, and you won’t feel that utterly horrible pang of regret for being so emotionally retarded for the whole world to see once things mellow out. You’re welcome.