John and Jane...and Communication

In order for a relationship to work, be it a friendship or a romantic situation, communication is key. Without it, a stand still will be reached, interest will be lost, and the creation will come to a crumbling end. This end can be peaceful or warlike depending on the parties involved. Without communication, there is no learning, there is no growth as a couple or as an individual. A true relationship forces both members to bend, but not break, to listen as well as respond. Today, many people listen only to react, not truly respond in an intelligent and healthy manner. It is selfish communication that only serves individuals in prolonging an argument or the status quo.

Let's visit John and Jane a year before they move in together. They have been dating for 11 months, attending the same high school, and now college. They live a span of 15 minutes apart, but still have limited access to each other. She takes five classes, works, and is in a state of constant exhaustion. John is enrolled in four classes, plays football, and spends his free time trying to party with his friends. He leaves his nights open for her, but the arrangement doesn't feel right to Jane.

Scene: It is Wednesday afternoon, and Jane has just gotten her schedule for the upcoming week. She calls John knowing he is between classes.

John: "Afternoon sunshine."

Jane: "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?"

John sighs, rolling eyes skyward: "As usual, I don't know. Why do you ask?"

He knew why she asked, but it was a script they had stuck to since they each earned their licenses and were capable of making the decision to hang out.

Jane: "Well, next week I have to work 50 hours, plus do homework, and I'm just not sure I'll be able to see you."

John: "Okay, what does that have to do with tomorrow?"

Jane: "Tomorrow is my last day off until next week, so we should do something. Go sledding or something. We can take the Jeep out if you want? Go to the restaurant I mentioned?"

Jane, in this situation, is trying to make both members of the relationship happy. John enjoys sledding and the Jeep. She's been yearning to try a new restaurant that just opened near the college.

John: "Okay, yeah we can do that."

He answers in a distracted manner while waving to a friend across the quad.

John: "But I have to go, I'll see you later."

Jane: "Tomorrow."

John: "Sure."

He hangs up.

So what happened?

John didn't really listen to what Jane was saying, he didn't hear the length of hours she would be working or when her next day off would be. He was listening to react in a way to make her stop talking. He wasn't listening to respond to her emotions or the events that would eventually take place. His attention was instead on the friends that he was able to see every day in class, on the field, and at parties.

The Next Day...

Jane woke up with excitement at the prospect of seeing her boyfriend. She called him after 10AM when she knew he would be awake and he answered right away.

John: "Good morning."

Jane: "Morning, what are we doing today?"

John: "I don't know."

Jane: "Is it nice enough for the Jeep you think?"

She had already been outside, it was a clear day, and there was no snow on the ground. The sun was shining on frozen puddles from the night before.

John: "Nah, I don't feel like doing that. I think I might go to the gym with the guys."

Jane didn't have a membership, nor did he have the option of bringing her along.

Jane: "Oh. But I thought..."

John: "Don't start pouting, childish."

Jane: "I'm not being childish, I told you I won't be able to see you next week and today's my last day off. And you're blowing me off for your friends."

John: "I don't want to do girly things."

Jane: "I didn't ask to do girly things. I asked to do things you like. Talk to me when you're ready to compromise."

John: "End of conversation, you're the one that doesn't want to compromise."

What Happened...

The situation reached a higher scale, and Jane wondered if she really wanted to remain in a relationship with someone that didn't listen to sentences she said. She wondered if she wanted to be in a relationship with someone that picked friends over his girlfriend. On deeper inspection, it wasn't just a lack of conversation (both over the phone and in person), but a lack of interest on John's side.

What Should Have Happened...

Let's return to Wednesday. Jane has called John already.

Jane: "Well, next week I have to work 50 hours, plus do homework, and I'm just not sure I'll be able to see you."

John: "Okay, what does that have to do with tomorrow?"

Jane: "Tomorrow is my last day off until next week, so we should do something. Go sledding or something. We can take the Jeep out if you want? Go to the restaurant I mentioned?"

John: "I don't think I want to do that, the guys invited me to the gym, we go every Thursday."

Jane, though disappointed, understands the need for consistency in friendships and relationships: "Okay, I understand."

John: "We can get dinner if you're not too tired, I know you've been balancing a lot."

Jane: "I like the sound of that."

John: "I'll see you tomorrow."

Jane: "Tomorrow."

In this situation, Jane and John each made a compromise. John wouldn't spend his entire day with his friends while Jane would let go of the idea of spending an entire day with her boyfriend. Each side communicated their feelings and explained the reason for those feelings. Jane still feels like she can depend on her boyfriend in moments of stress and John doesn't feel smothered by his girlfriend. Why? Because of shared communication and a slight compromise.