Just the Beginning

I met my ex husband in October 2008. If I knew then what I know now, I would have turned and walked away from him and never looked back.

Unfortunately there is no way to predict the future or how people will manipulate you and change throughout the course of your relationship. I first met him and he was seemingly so perfect. He was charming, good looking, fun to be around and just had something so alluring about him. Little did I know it was all part of the act. Our relationship moved fast — too fast. I was a 19 year old girl with no family of my own and friends that were wrapped up in parties and their own lives. He was a 23 year old man, living at his parents house with his aging grandparents and sister. At first I just thought it was cool to be surrounded by so much family and everyone was so warm and welcoming. They made me feel like family from day 1.

I began to notice that my boyfriend drank a lot. And I mean a lot. He would drink to the point of not remembering how he got home or who he talked to or what he did while he was gone. Occasionally he would even wet the bed from being passed out so hard. Right about the time I started to realize there were red flags I found out I was pregnant. The course of our turbulent relationship is too much and too long for just one post. So let this be the introduction to many parts to come.

I found out I was pregnant in December; again, we met at the end of October. I had no idea what I was getting into or who I was involved with. He would get drunk and scream at me that I was cheating and the baby wasn’t his, even though by this time I had moved in, quit my job and never left the house to prove to him I wasn’t up to anything, and for some reason he was all I wanted. I gave up everything about who I was and people who meant anything to me to try and make him see how much I cared. Nothing was ever good enough. I did leave him for the first time during this pregnancy. But, as all narcissists do, he lured back in with sweet words and lies he would never live up to.

Time would go on and he and I would lose that baby when I was almost 6 months pregnant. I should have taken that as my sign that God was trying to save me. But young, naive and depressed, I stayed because I thought I only wanted to leave due to losing our baby. I blamed myself everyday for it and I believe he did, too. She developed with anencephaly, which means she had no brain. There was no way she would live. So I chose to deliver her at 6 months, we had her cremated and her remains were placed into a little ceramic heart that I keep in a safe place in my home.

After everything he and I went through in our relationship and life in general, my idea and understanding of love is very distorted. How do you love or trust or believe when every person who ever claimed to love you, lied, left or hurt you?

It’s not easy and 3 years after our separation and divorce I am still healing from the damage and learning to trust again, not only other people but myself included. It’s been a long road and there’s still work to be done. But I’m here to tell you firsthand that you can survive this. If you’re stuck in an abusive relationship, you are strong and you can do this!