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Love, Loathing, and Self-Flagellation

But love can’t be forced.

By Amanda KareninaPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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How do you love someone so much that it hurts? When does it stop being love, and transition into longing? How do you tell someone who loved you when you weren’t ready — that you hate the waiting knowing they waited for you? How do you remain steady in your own course, when feeling remorse for the love that you lost? Was your own self-preservation worth losing the chance for love so much like your own?

How do you walk away when you only want to be near them? But fear them as they seem afraid to be near to you? How do you tell them that you understand their reservations, when you would drive from miles away just to be nervous in front of them? How do you take back all the cruel words you said in anger? When you know yourself to lash out at anyone who loves you when you’re wallowing in self-loathing, how can you deny love to someone as you see them doing the same?

Love is not a game, but you don’t believe them to be malicious. Your only wish is that they would be comforted by your presence in the way that you are theirs, so that you could be allowed to see them — to make up for the times previously that you pushed them away? Many times you tell yourself things you’re supposed to say to convince yourself that walking away is best.

The truth is the rest of your life seems empty when compared to the moments that you shared once you allowed yourself to accept the love that they gave freely. Now when you wish to see he who you once turned away. In the same way that he once stood vulnerably trying to be good to you, all you can do to appreciate the effort he made when you didn’t know how to before...

It's to step back once in his place, unable to erase the damage you caused when pausing, when you hesitated to accept a sincere attempt to give you what you needed. He found you when your heart was still freshly bleeding, it was through his comfort that helped you find your strength. When you find yourself hurt by actions taken when he dared to share your pain. How do you tell him that you never mean to hurt him nor to drain his loving heart of his will to love you?

It was your own desire to protect him from absorbing the pain you absorbed yourself from a broken heart. Now you’re alone once again as he leaves many things unspoken. You find yourself still broken and longing, for the love that he offered now that it’s too late. You can’t berate him for changing his mind when you find yourself unlovable. Timing seems to be crucial in hindsight, you wish you had never pushed away the best love you ever knew.

You called shallow a heart who selflessly came to you with no expectations. And he believed you. In ways you thought he deceived you, you know he was only trying to hide his own hurt. Your mistake in calling him a flake when he only tried to ease your lonely heart as it ached for someone who was gone. This man still never abandoned you. He afforded you the imposition to see his struggle. And hugging him goodbye when wondering if it would be the last time to ever see him. You realize your intensity is a symptom of your loss. The cost is in how you are fearful that no one will ever understand enough to stay.

A small footprint is much like your own desire not to matter enough to be chased when you run away. But knowing you run because you’re scared to be hurt again, or to hurt in the ways that you know you are capable of hurting others. You just want to love and be loved. You had just never known a love that wouldn’t take yours in return. You begin to discern that maybe your love is toxic.

Maybe you tried to force acceptance in hope of reciprocation. But love can’t be forced. You can’t expect remorse from someone who backed away when faced with your anger, undeserved. Now it seems the best way to serve love at the table at which they sat with you when you were not hungry is to allow them to take back the cold leftovers you refused. To heal themselves in the only way they know how once it’s clear you abused their sincere affection. You recognize their ability to regain stability, and you envy them as you’re reminded of your own fragility. But drawing from their strength will never rebuild you.

You allow yourself to be drained by another’s pain, the loss is permanent. All your love goes swirling down the drain you allowed to suck you in. The only way to regain it is in reproducing your own again, in loving yourself enough to stop throwing it at others hoping for a rebound. They deserve to know they are unique in their importance to you. Your own worth in question that caused you to hurt them and all you can say that you are sorry. Please know that there’s no hatred, only love for the one who tried to give love to someone who didn’t know what love was, until it was gone.

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About the Creator

Amanda Karenina

I'm nobody.

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