Me, as a Part of the Problem

It is always easy to blame a broken heart on someone else. What they did or did not do or say. Nitpicking every detail of what you now find to be wrong with the person who left you with a heart broken, even if it was you who left. Excuses are never hard to find if you are looking for them, and when it comes to relationships, the easiest excuse for the demise of love and happiness is the person who is not there anymore. I spent copious amounts of time in my 20s blaming my feelings of hurt, low self-worth, and anger on those who left, or who I left without looking inward to see if perhaps myself and my actions were a part of the problem. It was always the other person who didn’t love me, see me, want me, or like me. I was so quick to point out their faults within our relationship, all the while seeing myself as only a victim of terrible circumstances.

My ability to find a scapegoat was a talent that I spent years perfecting, and I have worked countless hours, days, weeks, and even months convincing people that I know who is to blame for my actions. If I blacked-out from drinking and smashed a computer or some other expensive thing, it wasn’t because I was out of control, but because someone else had treated me so poorly that I had no other choice but to react. If I lied about something no matter how big or small, it was only because someone made me feel so inferior that I needed the lie to prove my self-worth. If I became angry and violent towards myself and others, that was because they had been violent and abusive towards me in some way that left me feeling cornered.

Though those reasons may be valid in many ways, they were only excuses and ways to keep me from realizing dark truths about myself and my actions. I am, at times, a mean drunk. I am, at times, a liar. I am, at times, an abusive person. These are facts, not fun ones, but facts all the same. Acknowledging these facts about myself have made me angry, sad, and very scared. I do not want to be those things because I want to give and receive love. We all in our own way want to love and be loved, and that is why we try to pretend like the bad things we do aren’t because we are bad, but because someone else was bad to us

As I write this now, I am in the most loving, supportive, and real relationship that I have ever been in, friendships included. My partner talks to me on a level of understanding that I have never been exposed to, and that love is forcing me to look at who I am within not only this, but every relationship. As hard as it has been and will continue to be, understanding my role in the demise of previous loves, is in a very strange way eye-opening and freeing. I have a ton of work to do, but beginning and allowing myself to see and feel these emotions is the hardest part. I will continue to work on myself and try to find better ways of coping with past, current, and future problems, because I am worth it, because loving myself and others is worth it.

It is only when we are able to take a step back and see our own contribution to the good and bad in our lives that we are able to learn and grow from the past.