My Big City Single Life

"Houston, I know there's a problem here, Must be a hole in the atmosphere. Baby, I wanna be closer to love," Britney Spears sings during "Man On The Moon" from her Glory CD.

Great song. There's the basis for a musical in there somewhere, if I can get the rights to actually write it and use the song. As much as I love the song, the message in it is very flawed.

Yes, I am saying that there is a flaw within the flawless Britney universe. My gay card will be revoked and I will lose my membership to her STAN club. I understand these consequences. Here's the thing, the character in the song is longing for a relationship and feels empty without one. That is not the case for me. I feel empty because I still don't have a column. How did Carrie Bradshaw do it? She got a column when there weren't as many options for us writers out there. Just like the internet has made it much easier for us singles to meet guys and what not. So why am I single and ok with being single?

For starters, money. With my job now, I am making more than I ever did before. My bills are already paid for NEXT month. You read that right, my bills for next month are already paid and we aren't even 3/4 of the way done with this month yet. The counterargument is that my relationship status has nothing to do with my pay. This is true but it does have everything to do with my bank account balance. In a relationship, you have to have date nights and do special things for your partner when he is having a bad day. You know what I do for myself when I'm having a bad day? Go to Barnes and Noble, spend an ungodly amount of money on books that I don't need. Then go to the liquor store and buy alcohol that will last me at least 3 or 4 months. Also just to rub salt in the wound, most days I only work for a few hours and I always get a 3 day weekend. That's what you get for throwing your happy relationship in my face.

Another perk of being single? I can do whatever I want when I want. Sound selfish? Perhaps it is, but I don't care. There is no pretending to want to hang out with people who you would rather scratch their eyes out.

The last guy I dated had friends so pretentious that even Harvard grads wouldn't want to hang out with them. Do you guys remember those Grey Poupon commercials from the 90s? The ones where the butlers had that haughty accent and would sneer at any other brand of mustard? These people made him seem like a down-to-Earth person. "Don't you taste the oak in the wine?" No, I taste the damn vodka in my cranberry juice and it's not enough.

Which brings me to the best part of me being single. Somehow, I always date guys who hate going to gay bars. Yes, you read that right. The men I have gone out with, don't like going to bars frequented by other gay men.

I love going out and dancing, without worry about giving the wrong impression to some unlucky-in-love lady. One minute, you're dancing to a Britney song, the next she is trying to jam her tongue down your throat.

At a gay bar, everyone is just there to have a good time. Yes, hook ups happen but only after the last Gaga song has played and both are in agreement. You would be correct if you wondered if I name dropped two divas. There's no shame in a writer's game to gain readership.

There is shame in going to the theatre alone though. The worst part of not being in a couple is that there is no one to go see a musical with. Tickets for War Paint are so cheap that even the bums on Broadway could afford to go see it.

Yet, I have this insane block that prevents me from going to see the show alone. Money is not the issue, it's something about buying a solitary ticket. There's something about it that seems wrong. Like the musical police will come arrest me for trying to see a show without a companion. If someone has a way to get over this block, hit the comments and let me know.

Going to the theatre alone is better than having to cuddle. Along with not going to gay bars, the guys I tend to date all want to cuddle. For me, it's like the scene in Clueless when a high school guy tries to hit on Cher and she tosses him to the side.

Her face is a mask of disgust and she tosses off the line "As if" perfectly. It's not that I hate cuddling, I just don't want to do it all the time. Or in public. One of my exes loved to hold hands and to make out in public. Every time he tried, I pushed him away and he got mad. Like, dude, if you wanted to do some heavy petting, why did we come out in public?

It's pretty clear that I'll be single for a while. One lesson that everyone learns is that with time, things change. One day going to the theatre by myself won't be such a big deal. Cuddling will just be one of those things that happen with the man that I love. Maybe public displays of affection won't be quite so torturous to me. The one constant will be that going to the theatre alone will make my skin crawl.