My Living Nightmare

You are my living nightmare. Every time I would close my eyes, I could see your face, hear your laughter and see that devilish smile. Every time someone would mention your name was a reminder of how deeply you’ve left a cut in my memory and heart. I can still hear the words you said to me each day we spent together. The lies echoing in my ears then spreads like a poison infecting my wounded and beaten heart. Yet it still beats, feels, loves, cares and longs for you. Why? Why did this foolish heart of mine fall into the hands of someone who treats it so carelessly? Why did I stay with you when you constantly pushed me away? Why did I let you force me into situations I didn’t want to be in? Why did you make me choose you over my family? Why did you force me to betray my own friends, who might I add, are more loyal to me than you will ever be? Why did I not listen to the warnings of those around me? They tried to save me before it was too late. They knew what you were. They know what you did.

For four years, I had no voice. You ripped it away from me and locked it in safe where I couldn’t break it out and save it. You kept me from my voice and held it at your own will. My voice was yours and you did what you pleased with it. Yet still, when I am just about to crack the code and release my voice from that safe, you bring me back with your lies that I so foolishly believed. I love you. I miss you. I need you. You complete me. You brought me back with false hope that there could possibly be more than what we already had. Did you not realize the love I had for you? If I had the money, I would pick my life up and run to you. We’d start a family like we talked about countless times and live happily ever after. I believed in you. I believed in us. Every time someone would talk down about you, telling me about what you were doing; I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t, but deep down inside I knew that they were speaking the truth. Yet still, I blindly trusted you. I stood by you. I believed in all your lies. You had me wrapped around your finger.

I regret taking you back both times we broke up. I was so close to being free from your selfish hands, but I allowed you to drag me back into the darkness where I constantly felt alone, afraid and unwanted. I wish you could feel what I felt when I was with you every day. One measly mistake and it felt like I would be thrown into a basement, locked away to be left neglected until I came to my senses. But you still loved me, didn’t you? You loved me enough to keep me up late in the night knowing well that I have work and school in the morning.

You loved me enough to force me into agreeing that we would have sex the moment we’d finally be able to see each other in person. You loved me enough to try and force me into sending you naked pictures of myself to you. You loved me enough to believe that I was a problem and that I needed to change my looks, my personality, and everything that made me, me for you, but you didn’t care about how I felt about it. If you were satisfied with what you had, only then would you let me go for a moment before you’d be back with your constant demands.

You, my dear living nightmare, are one of the main reasons why I still fear from love. You have broken every hope I have to find love again. Every time I come close to feeling that happiness and warmth love brings, you haunt my mind and I cowardly run away from every man who could have the potential of caring and loving me. I fear that I will be hurt again. I fear that I will be changed. I fear that I will be contained. I fear that I will be neglected. I fear because of you.

Now that a year has passed since I’ve been free from you. I’ve had little help with how I feel and I am better now than I was before. I’ve become comfortable with being alone and rediscovering myself. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made and I have you to thank. Thanks to you, I’ve become stronger and bolder. I’ve become more motivated and determined to do what makes me happy. I am finally becoming my own person. Being in a relationship with you made me realize that I now know everything I do not want in a man. So, thank you for that.

Regardless of the past we’ve had; It has taken me a long time to say that I forgive you. I forgive what you’ve done to me. I hope you can find happiness in life and better yourself. Thankfully now, I can have my closure now that you know everything I have to say to you. I have finally cut all ties to you and fly freely.

Goodbye, Reo.