Never Settle for Second Fiddle

We all have many things going on in our lives at a given moment. Those things compete for attention, forcing us to prioritize where we commit our energy.

I grew up with a father who placed work and his own interests before the family. My father’s behavior has left me with enduring doubts about my importance in others’ lives. Furthermore, by observing my mother accommodate my father’s demands and, in turn, placing demands upon my brother and me, I developed the dangerous habit of accepting the fact that I am low in someone else’s priorities.

I swore to myself that I would not end up in the same situation with whomever I ended up dating or marrying. Seems easy enough, right? I have been in a relationship for nearly six years and have played second fiddle to his job for the entirety of our relationship. I realized that I am excessively accommodating to the lifestyle he chooses, as my mother was with my father. Being accommodating to other isn't inherently a problem. The problem lies in the fact that placing your needs or desires aside for your significant other’s sake leaves you often feeling unfulfilled. Additionally, allowing yourself to be placed lower in the hierarchy of importance in your partner’s life is a disservice to yourself and allows your partner to award you less respect. If you have done everything to earn the respect you desire, you should get what you have worked for.

It is important to note that I am not referring to the occasional late night that is an annoyance. I’m discussing situations where your partner constantly works late and/or allows their work schedule to dictate their life. Ultimately, jobs come and go. We say that we have found our “dream job,” but somewhere down the road, a new “dream job” presents itself. If your partner cannot understand that or believes that by committing 100 percent of themselves to their present job, they will magically acquire their dream job, there is a serious problem. You only get one chance with a relationship, and it shouldn’t be wasted focusing on something like a job. A relationship can only take so much damage before one person decides that they are abandoning it.

If you have found yourself in the position of being lower than top priority in your partner’s life, take a moment and evaluate if you feel that the relationship is exactly what you’re looking for. If the person you’re with seems “perfect” and you don’t want to leave them, take action to ensure they are aware of your feelings. Voice the frustrations that you have. If your partner cares for you the way that they claim to care for you, they will listen and acknowledge your feelings. You have to be prepared to hear justifications and excuses for the behavior, but remain calm. If you keep your cool while discussing the issue, you’re more likely to arrive at positive results. A good discussion point could be to discuss what could be done by both parties to arrive in a better situation?

Perhaps try to discuss a way to come to a compromise. Clearly you want to be top priority, but they may have difficulty changing their habits, which is natural. Coming to an understanding that you will no longer accommodate their behavior and that your partner must start placing you first is a fair compromise. You’re taking a stand while still demonstrating understanding of the challenges your partner faces.

Furthermore, setting boundaries that you are unwilling to change is helpful. For example, dinnertime is a common problem in my relationship. It is unhealthy to lie down immediately after eating, so I try to eat dinner at least two hours before bed. My partner often chooses to work late, which places dinner too close to my bed time. I will not wait to eat at a time that accommodates his schedule when he chooses to work late. It can be a cause of tension when the boundaries are set, but if your partner is observant of the change, they should get the hint that certain things have gotten out of hand. While it may be difficult to enforce your boundaries if you have habitually accommodated your partner, it is important that you place yourself in first priority of your own life and demand that your feelings be addressed.

It isn’t desirable to have a conflict with your partner, but it is far worse to be left feeling as though you are less important to them than something like a job. Taking a stand about the situation can be challenging and may put strain on your relationship, but the outcome should be a situation that is healthier for both of you. If you feel that you are not placed first in your relationship, never settle for being second-fiddle. You should be the first chair soloist in their life!