Nightmare Online Dates

When I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me with a fifty year old actress from the Big Bang Theory, I packed his things and started dating again because ain't nobody got time for that. I found myself overwhelmed by the plethora of dating apps at my disposal, it felt like when I'm at the grocery store and I'm in front the hundreds of thousands of pressed juices and I'm having a micro anxiety attack over what vitamins and minerals I need. I ended up downloading the most popular apps and began my search for the guy I could wear matching shirts with and take cute Instagram pics.

Date 1

The first guy I started talking to was charming over the phone. The first time we talked for two hours and I agreed to have a date at the end of the week and it all seemed perfectly normal. That was until I got a text the very next day that read "goodmorning babe," yes I'll admit any girl loves a thoughtful goodmorning text, but not when they've only talked on the phone once and have never even met in person. The following text went something like this Bob: "what are you doing babe?" Me: making a sandwich." Bob: "what are you doing now ?" Me: I'm eating the sandwich." Bob: "babe where are you ?"🔪🔪 me: " I was washing my dish." I must've been desperate or completely naive to these red flags because believe it or not I still went on the date to Universal Studios after four days of this. I was waiting at the Starbucks when I saw his face peering out from a group of Japanese tourists. Once the fog of Japanese tourists cleared in front of me was a man dressed like John Smith if he had assimilated into Pocahontas's community. I'm talking frills and some kind of peter pan hat. Despite this we went to dinner where he talked about the Armenian genocide for an hour while we ate family size pasta plates at Bucca de Beppo because the waiter didn't tell us the portion sizes. After that we saw a Kevin Hart movie, which let me tell was extremely funny, yet not a peep was heard from homeboy through out the entire movie, which made me think he was either a serial killer. On the drive home to my grandma's house ,which he assumed was my house because after him telling me that we were officially together I figured him knowing where I lived would be bad news, we parked and he pulled me out of my seat and kissed me all over my face (like he licked me). My friend arrived to late and I sat in the car feeling slimy. Let's just say after that he called me and after telling him I wasn't going to see him again, he told me to date a clown and die. So I ate donuts shaped like panda bears in my friend's car and I wondered if dating was a good idea at this point.

Date 2

This guy is a gem ladies and gentleman, we met up at a local Starbucks and we started walking up and down the street chatting. I sensed a lot of awkwardness in our conversation which I figured were nerves or lack of chemistry, but regardless we ended up at a diner and had some fries and had more silence and desperate attempts at trying to figure each other out. We walked out of the diner and it was maybe seven o'clock and he suggested we go and sit in the park which was across the street. Tell me why the park looked like the forest that Snow White gets lost in and she does all that screaming and eventually passes out. Despite that we sat in the playground where there was no absence of light and there was a guy viciously exercising by the playground. I'm talking about grunts and random "yeahs" after every set. I was distracted by this and suddenly I turn to my date which abruptly says, "I can parkor," then he runs up a tree attempting to do I don't know what and he is dangling from the tree, I attempt to act impressed while MR.T90x judged us.We leave that scene and as we are walking towards the car I turn my head to look at some ongoing traffic as he runs ahead. I turn around and he's pulling out a harp and he starts playing it. I am at this point unsure as to what to do, so I let him play for what seemed like and eternity, until the chord sounded repetitive and he started to sing a cacophonous version of "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias. That's where I drew the line and as we got in the car his sister called and asked for him to stop and buy tampons. So we ended up at a store picking out tampons and after I went home and recommend we not see each other again I lay in bed eating cookies. I truly felt bad that I didn't appreciate his harp playing and his attempts to climb a tree, he was very sweet which is why I hope he finds someone who will appreciate his harp playing.

Date 3

This guy seemed promising; he was very spiritual and had these black and white shots of him on his profile. We had been talking for awhile and on a night my friend bailed on me in the middle of hanging out I agreed to have him pick me from and American Apparel where I was charging my phone in Santa Monica. We went to this lovely suburban neighborhood and hung out at his house. When we went into his house I immediately sensed that he lived with his parents or he had incredible decorating skills. He led me to the guest house which I assumed was his way of "branching out from home." He turned on these blue neon light which were the main source of light in his room and they irritated me. I felt like I was at strip club that smelled like essential oils. He asked me if I wanted a hand massage which I felt was pretty innocent so I agreed. He told he made his own lotion which had coconut oil, lavender oil, olive oil, Shea butter, Moroccan oil, orange extract, rosehip oil, avocado oil, car fuel, floor wax, cat fur, and pretty much every oil you could think of. I'm only kidding, but he put a lot of oils together. Then we made out and while we made out he kept moaning intensely like if he was one of those people that use tantric exercises to achieve orgasm with the slightest touch. I was so weirded out with the blue lights and the knock off versions of The Weekend's music playing in the background when all of a sudden he pulls out a huge dildo. I'll spare you the rest and I basically said that I was leaving and I had to pay twenty six dollars to go home and I told the uber driver everything and she was like, "Oh ma god he crazy girl." My exact sentiments.

Conclusion

Life is gonna throw dildos and harps at you but you can't let that hinder you from finding love. After many many dates I found the most amazing person who inspires me, motivates me, and loves me. So I encourage you to never give up!