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Not Knowing Who I Am

A Sexuality Story

By Stacy JPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Two Lesbians Holding Hands

I first fell in love with my friend, we'll call her Leah, when I was in the seventh grade. How did I know I was in love with her, you ask? Well, I couldn't tell you, 'cause I just knew something was different when I was around her. The only person who knew I liked her was my other friend, we'll call her Haley, who was my confidant. I mustered up the courage to tell Leah that I liked her one day. Her response? Pure shock with a little bit of disgust mixed in. She never talked to me after that, but I knew something was different about me after I realized I was in love with her. So, I did what any thirteen-year-old did and told my mom I thought I was bisexual. Her response? "It's probably just a phase, Stacy." I didn't know any other way to respond to that, so I just agreed with her and pushed the idea of being bi into the back of my mind, slowly forgetting about it. With the idea of being not straight as a phase, I strictly dated guys throughout the rest of middle school and my freshman year of high school, but still struggled with my sexuality because some girls still piqued my interest.

Fast forward to sophomore year of high school. My family and I were living in Spain for six months as part of my parents' sabbatical. Both my brother and I were going to an American school in the suburbs of Madrid, and there were lots of cute guys and girls there. I befriended one girl fairly quickly due to the fact I thought she was cute and friendly as well. I will never forget the day she messaged me and asked how I liked the school so far and said we should hang out sometime. So, fifteen-year-old Stacy planned a sleepover with a girl who she had feelings for, especially after she found out that this girl identified as lesbian. I rode the bus to the closest stop near her house and she met me there to walk me to where she lived. I was totally in awe of her the whole time we hung out, and once again realized that something was different about me. I weighed out the pros and cons of trying to chase her, as we bonded over Pentatonix and singing along with lesbian YouTubers. Luckily, I didn't try to pursue her as she had a girlfriend at the time, whom she was head-over-heels for. Unfortunately, that friendship fizzled out as well, but I hope she's doing well. I did, however, date a guy there, but we broke up about a month before I moved back because I didn't want to try long distance, and I wasn't seeing a future with him.

Still somewhat struggling with sexuality, I decided to come out as bisexual while in Spain, and that took front and center on my social media. Unfortunately, my YoungLife leader took note of this, and once I arrived back in the States, she wanted to take me out to coffee and "catch-up." She sat me down and asked me if I was really bisexual. I said yes, and her face filled with disappointment. She told me that she believed not being straight was a sin, which made me cry. That also made me question my sexuality again, so I went back to boys. I started to experiment with boys who I thought were nice. I would flirt with boys and they'd send me nudes and what not. I eventually met up with one of these boys, and we did stuff. To my horror, he wanted me to give him pleasure and I wasn't comfortable, so he threatened me by saying he'd tell my dad what we had done and where I really was that day. So I obeyed, had a negative experience, and swore I'd never do that again. I only dated one boy after that and then decided boys weren't my cup of tea.

Fast forward to senior year of high school. I still identified as bi, but I didn't really have a thing for guys anymore. So, I decided to dabble in the lady field. First, I came out to my brother, who supports me 110 percent. Then came the parents, who are also super supportive of who I am, even though I still somewhat struggle with my sexuality today. Most of my friends and old coworkers support me, and I'm lucky for that. I fell in love with a girl that year, too. But history repeats itself, and today we kind of talk, but she broke my heart twice, so I don't wanna hurt myself with her again.

Now that I am in college, my sexuality journey is still happening. I eventually tried going to third base with a guy, but that didn't end up well, and it kind of solidifies that maybe girls are still my thing. I did date a girl my freshman year (I'm a sophomore now), who I didn't really love, and she cared more about the relationship than I did because we rushed into it. Currently, I am single, but I don't wanna hunt for a relationship too hard, 'cause then I won't find one, so I'm going to be patient and wait for the right girl, whomever that may be.

I still don't know fully what my sexuality is, and sometimes people judge me for that, but I don't care. Label or not, I'm me.

lgbtq
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About the Creator

Stacy J

Hey what's up? I'm a college sophomore who loves to eat good food, watch Netflix, use social media, and write about my life and sometimes fanfic.

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