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The Day I Fell in Love with My Best Friend

I fell in love with her. But she didn't fall for me.

By E ☄Published 6 years ago 3 min read
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My heart aches.

It's like a physical ache that sits in my heart like a heavy rock. The jealousy is like knives in my gut. Each time she talks about someone she likes, I have to sit there with a smile on my face and pretend I'm as happy as I could possibly be for her.

Of course, it's never my intent to be cruel. I can't hurt her. I love her so much that seeing her upset kills me. I ache to hold her. It hurts that I can't touch her and hug her and tell her everything will be okay one day.

She knows. I remember the day I told her. I was so terrified to just spit it out that I really had to give her hints until she caught on. She felt guilty that she didn't feel the same. Of course, that's understandable, but regardless it still hurt. I guess that's an understatement. It tore me apart inside. It was like I was being pierced with a sharp knife over and over again but it wouldn't let me die, it just caused me intense pain.

I tried so hard to hate her. It took everything in me to walk away and pretend that I had no feelings for her anymore, not even as a friend. I was lying to myself. It's impossible to hate her. How anyone could is beyond me.

She is kind. She's warm. She's sweet. She's like that sweet nostalgia you get when you reunite with memories. She's empathetic and understanding. She will sit with you and listen to you as you pour out your heart to her. No matter what she's dealing with she'll always drop that and be by your side. She's obsessed with space and the stars. She wants to watch the sunset turn into the sunrise on the beach. She loves the idea of ghosts and she adores music.

But still, I tried. It took all my energy to act like I never knew her. It felt like I had gone through a break-up and I was still pining and looking through her Facebook. I couldn't just drop it. I remember being on holiday in Somerset. Most of the time I was checking my phone to see if she was doing okay. Otherwise, I was thinking about her the entire time.

I really hurt her. I never meant to, although I feel like I did. My way of thinking was that I could hurt her into feeling something. But I didn't really understand that I was doing that until I got back and realized what I was actually doing. She told me how she felt, but in her words, I knew she wanted to say how selfish I acted and how much I affected her but still she was the same, selfless girl she always is.

When a girl so stunning says to you, "I hate myself," it's like I feel that it's all my fault. Like my whole world has come to a halt. If it were possible, I would give her my everything just so that she can wake up to tell herself she loves the way she is.

And even though I doubt that anything ever coming from this, I always tell her I love her. I always tell her that one day everything will be okay in her life. I comfort her as if she were mine. Because sometimes, people are worth waiting an eternity for. Even if it kills me, I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. I don't know a world without her in it. It'd be like the entire galaxy in darkness because the sun was never there. She is my sun.

love
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