The Ending With No Beginning

Being 20 isn't easy. Sure, you're one year closer to being a legal adult and you're living it up with college friends. But growing up is confusing. Whether it's school, work, money, family, or friends that have you tied up in knots, some things just manage to squeeze right through and bite you in the ass. Trying to make the most out of your youth is tough when you have responsibilities and people expect more from you. Some people stress and have it a little harder than others. This story is told by a 20-year-old girl in the year of 2016, and she had it real rough.

I had just turned 20. I had gotten a new job, and I was going to school. Things were starting to fall into place. I was dating my high school sweetheart for the third time. You would think after three tries, one would learn their lesson. This wasn't the case for another two tries but that's another story I might tell you. I figured that school, work, and my boyfriend were all I had to focus on for a while, besides my family. But all good things come to an end eventually. I just never thought it was only gonna take half a year for everything to fall apart.

My boyfriend and I had been dating (on and off) for about three and a half years. We met when we were 16, going on 17. By that point I had figured he would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. On this third attempt at a relationship together, I got pregnant. It was in late February, going into March, that I found out with a First Response test. As you can probably imagine, we didn't know how to react. It was obviously terrifying, being only 20 and all. But deep in my heart, I knew a baby was only going to be a wonderful gift. I absolutely adore babies. For about a month we argued over what to do and we had settled on keeping our little bundle...or so I thought.

Fast forward about two months. Everything is going well with my pregnancy and I'm about 13 weeks in. One day, out of literally nowhere, my boyfriend says we need to get rid of our baby. Why? Because we were too young and wouldn't be able to support it, we could end up breaking up one day after having it, or simply because our parents wouldn't allow it. He scared me with his words. He tried so hard to convince me that keeping it would be a terrible idea. So he set up an appointment to see a doctor in a neighboring city. And that was the day I saw my Peanut.

He was beautiful. With his little hands, his little feet. He was so active at only 3 months, he was moving. I had never fallen in love so quickly before. I wanted so badly to stay there and watch him move forever... but that was the last moment I had to see him. They hand me a ton of paperwork. One of the questions in one of these pages read, "Are you being forced into having this surgery?". I wanted so badly to say yes. My boyfriend had the power and connections to make sure I would abide by what he wanted, so I signed my name and baby away. After being fed pills that made me spot and feel absolutely awful, they escort me into a cold room.

There is a single bed with stirrups. Tools on a small cart next to it, and next to that, a strange machine I couldn't identify. They lay me down on the bed and administer a shot into my arm as I look over at my boyfriend with my eyes blinded by tears. Seconds after that, the room moves and everything goes dark. For the life of me, I can't remember much that happened. All my body can remember is a sound that resembled that of a vacuum and a pulling sensation inside me. My baby was being ripped out of me. I'm not sure how long I was there, but it felt like an eternity. I vaguely remember the nurses helping me pull my underwear and pants back on while my boyfriend watched.

I let a life, that should have started, end.

Not a whole lot of people know this story. Only close friends I trust and my sister. Obviously me and my ex didn't last very long after that. He eventually left me for his cousin about a month after that, but again, that's another story I might tell. It's been a year and that day still haunts me like if it had happened just yesterday. People think abortion is an easy way out. For some, maybe. For me, it was a nightmare and it changed everything for me. There are many sides to decisions being made and no one should feel prejudiced for it.

By the way, this actually happened. I regret every second of that day. I miss my baby more than ever. I'm sorry, Peanut. I should have done more.

~B.D.