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The First Five Years of My Transition

How Transitioning from Female to Male Went for Me

By Maxwell HPublished 6 years ago 8 min read
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Trans Terms:

Trans guy - Someone transitioning from female to maleFTM - Female to maleTrans - TransgenderT - TestosteroneGender dysphoria - Feeling of unease with your body, which can lead to anxiety and depression.Stealth - Living in such a way that no one is aware of the fact that you're trans.Passing - Being perceived as the gender that you're transitioning to.Binding - Wearing something to compress your chest down.Packing - Wearing a packer or using something to "pack" or to make it appear that you have a bulge in your pants.

Every coming out story is different, some say they knew all along, and some had no clue. For me it was a mix of those two, I knew I was different. I didn't like all of the things that most girls my age liked. When you're young it's categorized as being a "tomboy" so, that's what I assumed I was. Until puberty.

Once I hit puberty, which is awkward for everyone, I felt this sort of uneasy feeling start to set in. I wasn't happy with the way I looked but I just couldn't figure out what it was. I fell into a spiral of depression, before my eyes I turned into someone I didn't know. I wore a lot of stereotypical emo teenager clothes and eventually fell into that group of kids. I fell headfirst into music, trying to battle the feelings I felt inside. I couldn't figure them out. There was something different about me and I couldn't figure out what it was for the longest time.

I remember the day I learned about transgender people. I was probably 14 or 15 and was on the way to school with my mom. The car radio had started to play "I Got You Babe" by Sonny & Cher. "It's a shame about their daughter." My mom had said. "They had a beautiful daughter, her name was Chastity, and now she's becoming a man." That was got the wheels turning in my head. That was a thing? People could do that? Was I like that?

I spent months obsessing over the concept of being transgender. I did hours of research, YouTube videos, articles, and anything I could find. I talked to a few trans people, asking them everything I wanted to know. After school had ended, I spent the summer thinking about it. I can't deny that it hit me like a freight train, I was transgender. I kept it to myself during that time, I had also cut my hair short to see if I felt better about myself.

I started living as male, in secret. I was terrified to come out. Terrified I'd lose my family. I found hope in the internet, there was people who accepted me there. They called me he and by Max. About halfway through my freshman year, I had just turned 15, I wrote my mom a letter. I explained to her how I felt. Told her that I thought I was trans, just like Chaz Bono. It didn't turn out well, and I can't say that I blame her. I was 15 and she believed it was a phase. However, at the time I was heartbroken and I decided to pretend I had never tried to come out. I started dressing in pink and wearing more make up, trying to suffocate those feelings inside of me.

After a few months of pretending to be someone I wasn't, I decided to say whatever to all the fears I had. I went back to dressing as male, cutting my hair in crew cuts, and going by Max by all of my friends. Around that time, I had a boyfriend. He was all for me transitioning, called me his boyfriend, had his family call me Max, and I felt like I was on top of the world.

I struggled for a while at 16, my family still didn't accept me. I know now that they still loved me but it was hard for me to see that then. I'd been struggling with depression and finally one day it all seemed too much. I'd been taking anti-depressants, and my doctor had doubled my dosage when I had explained to him that I was feeling extremely suicidal. Turns out I had what they call a "black box warning" reaction to the anti-depressants and they only made me worse. I'd tried to commit suicide.

After my attempt, I started to build myself back up from the ground. My family noticed that my transitioning wasn't a phase. That it was a true thing I had been struggling with. I had started therapy where they had said I was too young to be diagnosed but I had all of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder. So, on top of transitioning I was struggling with mental issues.

The year I turned 17 we had moved from the city to a tiny town and I started school mid year as Maxwell. I hadn't told anyone I was trans when I had signed up for school. I changed in the boys locker room. I used the boys bathrooms. I was finally living life and was happy. I hadn't grown up with these kids so no one knew me before. No one used the wrong pronoun. Yet, I won't lie and say I made friends.

However, that year I found my voice. I started writing poetry to help me through my depression. Here's one of the first poems I ever wrote;

"Thank You, History.

I was where I needed to be

Broken yet feeling free.

Another lit

Another hit.

I understood then

Why my voice shakes when

I try and make history

Of all the mystery.

The fact that you're free

But landed on my knee

Helped me see

That I'm not where I need to be."

I wrote that about my transition, about how I had finally come to terms with being trans.

I met a girl who had moved from the same city as I had. The best part was she lived right down the road from me, about half a mile. Living in such a small town meant not a lot of people lived near me. We bonded very quickly, she lived with her boyfriend and a few roommates. That was perfect for the senior year experience.

She was the first person I had told in that small town. I really only told her because I knew I would be drinking at her house and just in case anything happened to me I needed her to know. I remember the look on her face, as we sat in her Tahoe in the parking lot of our tiny grocery store. "No, you're fucking with me." Were the first words out of her mouth. "No, I'm being serious here. I'm trans. I was born female and I'm transitioning to male."

The day I turned 18 I legally changed my name. It was honestly the scariest moment I had experienced in my transition. I went in front of the judge, petitioned to change my name, and his computer froze. I stood there waiting for his answer, would he approve it? I could feel my face heating up as he stayed silent, it felt like an eternity before he finally gave me an answer. "The answer is yes but, my computer is frozen so I'll need you to stand over there till it reboots."

I turned 18 in January and by April I had my first appointment to start testosterone. I was terrified there would be something wrong with me and I wouldn't be able to take it. I swear they drained my body of blood that day, they had to test every function in my body. The first few months I was on T, I was a horrible person to be around. I honestly don't know why my friends stayed by my side. I was constantly angry. I went from 0 to 100 over the smallest things.

Now, I look back on all of the things I went through. All the phases of my transition. Almost two years on T. Just about 5 years since I came out. I can't believe I've come this far. I went from barely passing to living stealth. I don't hide the fact I'm trans but I don't tell everyone. It's not that I'm ashamed to be trans, I just don't like the stigma around being trans. Once someone finds out I'm trans they happen to mess up pronouns. They ask questions that are rude. They don't know how to act around me.

Here's some common questions I get and some answers.

How did you know you were trans?

You know when you look in the mirror and you see yourself? You see who you are, what you look like, and you're comfortable with it. If you're a man you're comfortable seeing a man in the mirror. If you're a woman you're comfortable seeing a woman in the mirror. I looked in the mirror and I wasn't seeing who I was in the reflection.How can you be FTM and still like men?

Gender and sexuality are two different things.

Have you had any surgeries?

That's not something you ask anyone who is trans.

How do you have sex?

How do you?

If you could not be trans, would you?

Honestly, yes I would. Life is so much easier when you're not giving yourself a shot once a week, binding your chest down, and packing.What advice would you give someone who has just came out?

Don't let dysphoria take you over. I let it consume me when I was first transitioning, now most days I don't even remember I'm trans. It gets easier and I know everyone will tell you that but it's true. Get through the hard times and you're in the clear.

At the end of the day, I can't imagine how my life would have gone if I never would have discovered myself. I'm not sure I'd be alive today. I was depressed and unhappy with myself. I self harmed almost every day. I look back and I can't believe how far I've come. I never imagined I'd be able to live my life in a way that aligned with my gender. I never thought I'd be able to use the men's room or be happy with the way I looked.

I look back on all the struggles I went through. All the stages in my transition that didn't go well. All the nights I cried because I didn't understand why I had to be this way. All the times people made rude remarks. All the friends I lost from coming out. Now, I can finally say it was all worth it. Every struggle has made me who I am today.

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