The Hardest Part

They say that when you are in love you'll know because the thought of staying with that person for the rest of your life should make you the happiest you've ever been.

I never believed in having a soulmate, being in love, or that you have another half out there. I had always joked about being that crazy cat person when I grew up. You know even the deadest looking people with no light in their eyes once had hopes and dreams too. They once had light in their eyes, and I know this because I was once that kind of person. Lively, and shining the brightest you've ever seen. Though all of that is true about me, I still never felt that I needed anyone to share that with. Yes, I had friends and family, but what I mean is, I never wanted a romantic relationship. Something where I have the possibility of getting attached and falling in love. Love makes people weak and that was something I didn't want, but all of that changed when I met you.

My walls came crumbling down the day you stepped in and knocked, asking so nicely for me to let you in, I gave in and look at me now.

The day I met you it was as though my whole world had been turned upside down. My body was on fire, but in the best possible way. You were the one person that made me forget everything bad that is happening around me right now. The one that I wanted to tell every last one of my deepest, darkest secrets to. With these feelings growing more and more, I grew scared of what it would cause. You see, love is always associated with fire and red, but why are these things also associated with anger, hate, and destruction? You see nothing can grow in soot and ash, you see red when you are beyond angry and literally want to kill. As I lay here now, thinking back to the day we met... how I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. I had tears in my eyes, and how my cheeks were burning from how much you made me smile. I still tear up, weakly laughing as the chemo enters my body. I am sorry you've had to deal with me, please just turn away now as I empty the remains of what little food I have eaten today. Leave me, no... I can't stand this. Thinking back now I truly do see red. You make me so pissed that I will never marry, have kids, or even live... cause this isn't living. Lying here like this, isn't living. I feel dead and yet I'm somehow still breathing. They say I'm alive, but I don't feel it. I'm so mad now because you're the one that made me want those things? Why... I regret never saying those three words to you, but why is that? I never wanted or even thought I would say those things. Now, I can't because my mouth is too dry and my lips are stuck together... I regret that I let you make me weak. I refuse to kiss you now, because that will only make this harder. I don't want you to see me as I am right now. I fear that if you do, it will only make it harder for you to leave. You'll stay because of the pity you feel for me.

The only part that I hate about this is that I will have to leave you, and that thought only is making me feel sicker than... no I can't even say the word. Why have you done this to me? Why are you still here? I'll never ask you this to your face, but really... please tell me why? I can never understand what's going through your mind as you sit there by me holding my hand with the blankest expression upon your face. I'm a wreck, lying here like a shriveled mess. I'm barely thirty and yet I look like I'm eighty. My hollow cheeks and sunken eyes leave wrinkles folding up on my skin like ripples in the lake the weekend we went out there. Do you remember that? It was beautiful that day... maybe one day you'll go back? Of course I won't be with you. They say I may have a couple months, but even I know that's a far reach. Doctors always do that, trying to make the bad news slightly better than it really is. I know I have no hope, so why would they even try and implement even a sliver of that into any of our minds? I can practically feel it spreading throughout me right now, yet as I look over at you sleeping in that horrid, tiny, green excuse for a pull out couch and I write this, I do feel hope trying to shine through all the agony. Please just promise me one thing... that you will leave and move on, but I just ask that you stay true and never forget, though I don't expect it. Just know that I love you...