The Hiker

The bridge of death on the date from Hell...

Nightmare Dates from Dating Apps Chapter One: The Hiker

Dear readers,

As I am sure you can relate, we all have been excited for the dates where we will be trying something new or being “spontaneous.” All good in theory right...? Wrong. This is the beginning of nightmare dates that have happened and the hilarious stories we share over wine with our girlfriends comparing battle wounds. Yet once we are home alone in bed on a Friday night, the swiping starts again, maybe this time it’ll be different.

The hiker. In the art of trying something new and getting feedback from friends that I need to be more open to opportunities, I decided to write “spontaneous” on my dating profile. Assuming no one actually reads that far down after seeing I have nice boobs and a pretty smile, I assumed no one would actually make me be well, spontaneous.

Enter the hiker. After to speaking to him via text he seemed relatively normal, engaging and even funny. We did not really cover all the first date topics as I wanted to leave a little element of surprise (not making this mistake again). I was actually kind of excited to meet him. He convinced me to go hiking with him up in the local mountains, looking back maybe going in to a heavily wooded area with a stranger is not something I would recommend to people I care about, but hey, I was a spontaneous girl living in a spontaneous world.

About ten minutes after leaving my apartment where he picked me up, I 100 percent knew there was zero chance of this moving forward. He told me he hates wealthy people, he hates police and he literally is homeless and couch surfing until things settle down. The hiker was a 30-something man who just hadn’t figured life out yet. And the person I thought I was getting to know did not seem to exist! You’re probably thinking hey, give the guy a break... well in reality I was stuck with him for an hour drive to the mountains, the hike length and the drive home. This was not something I was looking forward to but I was committed. Lucky for me the talking stopped and his ridiculous subwoofer and CD deck (they still make these?) were booming music so loud I couldn’t hear myself think, let alone him speak. I was texting friends who were laughing very hard at my expense. I can’t blame them but actually, yes I can! They gave me the horrible advice to be spontaneous in the first place. Fast forward 30 minutes and we are on the mountain; at least it’s pretty. Sigh…

He puts on silver Nike basketball shorts that remind me of salmon skin and an intense pair of hiking boots that perfectly complimented my jeans and converse shoes. It was hard to tell what look he was going for but I definitely hated it. He proceeded to pack up his entire backpack and bring it with us as if his life was in it, that or tools to kill me (which at this point did not seem that bad). We hiked for a little bit of time, few words spoken but I did like being out in nature. He forced me to cross a suspension bridge (which was terrifying as I am deathly afraid of heights) and we set up a picnic (to go sushi and two warm beers), lucky me. I ate one bite of the dried grocery store sushi which for sure will make me sick later and cracked the beer. He then tells me he smokes when he drinks (deal breaker number 122,989,920 of this date, also you had one beer). I hated this and wanted to go home. I packed up whatever was left, and we left the park across the Death Bridge and back to his truck. The music blasted, I didn’t get off my phone, until we slowed WAY down because a cop was behind us (he for sure is wanted for something) and then he proceed to drive the exact speed limit the entire way home which felt like 300 hours (it was one hour). I said good bye and hopped out faster than a bat out of hell!

Of course I got the follow up message: “I had a really great time,” which I always get from the ones I do not want them from. I said I did not and I wished him luck, the name calling proceeded then the pity party. Finally I blocked and deleted the hiker forever. I wish this had a happy ending, but it does not. Lesson learned, don’t go hiking on a first date. Ever.