Thelma Without Louise

Dear Liza,

I fucking miss you. I miss you so much. I miss how simple shit was back when we were 18/19 and fucking around. It's so fucking hard...so fucking difficult. Nobody told me it was this hard...

You're not dead, and for that I am so grateful because I don't know what the fuck I would do...You're not dead, but sometimes I feel like you are...you're so far away and I can't reach you anymore. You were my best friend...and so special because you got me through so much. And now my life is falling apart and you're not here.

This is fucking selfish, I know, selfish because you have a beautiful baby now and a fiancé. Selfish because I know you have your own grade A problems to deal with. But is it really so bad that I want you back. I want us to go back to my place and dance like idiots, drink and get high, cry a little and laugh about how ugly we are when we cry. Shit, man. Would it be so awful?

I dreamt that I lost you, forever; you had succumb to the sickness we both suffer from and I woke up with a dry face but a 10-ton elephant on my face. I heaved the air back into my lungs. Being an adult is shit because we don't fucking get what we want. I mean we never got what we wanted but this time we didn't even get to try...Do you remember the time we went out and just walked around my neighborhood. It was 3 AM and we were having a blast smoking cigs on Ely and Sapph's stoop. Remember the night we went dancing and those stupid guys jumped in our cab? Remember how we would sometimes share the bed or the couch because we were too lazy to get up, one of us always ended up moving because we're wild sleepers.

You taught me so much shit, Liz. You taught me how to live like life didn't matter; nothing else mattered but the two of us. Thelma and Louise...

What if I could rewind time? Take us back to where no demons could touch us, back to where we belong? Would you go?

If not, what if I could freeze time, just for a little while, would you come dance with me? Come laugh with me and let me cry while smoking the best cigarette of my fucking life because I need one. I need a spliff and some of that jungle juice we made we I turned nineteen. I need you to tell me a shitty joke. I need a chance to ramble about stupid fucking politics and how I don't wanna be a woman anymore, how I don't want to be an adult anymore because nothing is right in this world. My life is utter chaos right now.

Chaos. I need you to help make sense of it because even though you're chaotic you make it all make sense because somehow you are so much smarter than me when it comes to picking up pieces and making them fit into a puzzle. Chaos with you was fun because it was young. It made sense because you made it so.

We could run away, just like we said, run away while times still frozen.

But we can't. I know you've been getting worse...the sickness inside of you, its making life hard and I wish I could help. I wish I was there, I wish I could call and text you more, I wish we could chat for hours on end and still tag each other on silly Facebook posts. I really fuckin wish I could.

But I can't...because the sickness in my head says it's over, it's all over. I've lost you to the world. My best friend.

It all just happened so fucking fast, the relationships and the jobs and the arguments and the next thing I knew you were pregnant...then you were leaving and we didn't even get to say goodbye...

Why did you leave me, Liz...why did you leave me here all alone?

I know the answer, but I can't help but ask why.

I'm all headfucked and I know you are too. We used to lay on the benches and laugh about our future, promised to always be there. A freeze button..

That would be nice.