Toxicity and Sublimity

Now that we have been to the past, we realize the future is a much better place.

We were different. We never held hands because we didn’t prefer the moist uncomfortable connection. We would die for one another but there was no remorse in inflicting pain on each other. You were my greatest revelation and my biggest downfall.

He had chocolate irises; depending on what mood he was in they would change into a darker emerald. When he smiled, the light danced in his eyes as if he was a young carefree boy. He had light acne, enough to notice, but it also appealed to his image. Dark brown wavy hair cut short, yet long enough to flip above his eyes. He had a slender build; he stood tall but his figure remained lean and muscular. This was the way that my eyes viewed him but this image was not who he was.

He was the first pair of eyes that met mine in the morning light shining through my window. He was the person I watched shitty reality TV with that would laugh at dim-witted jokes. He is the thought that continuously crosses my mind that I plead with to go away. But it always stays. I never wanted him to leave, no matter the awful things I had said or done. He was the light I saw in the world even though he brought along some of his darkness. He had seen every part of my being and loved it as a whole no matter the flaws. The way he told me he loved me rings in my ears the more I think of him. But, I don’t hear those words anymore.

The two of us are nothing more than strangers with familiar faces to one another. I still see the yearning in his eyes of what could have been, but he knows better than that and always looks away. I myself always think of what could have been, but his happiness is all I could ever hope for...so I stay away. I want him to have the most in life even though mine feels empty without him.

Now I take showers to the hottest degree I possibly can, just to feel the warmth on my skin. I want to feel warmth. I go outside at five AM to inhale carcinogens so I can feel some sort of relief from the nightmare I relive every night. My eyes stay bloodshot because of my poor sleeping habits, because without him I don’t even feel it necessary to gain a schedule. I’ve lost my touches of love and joy and replaced them with the walls I had let down long ago. I had been a weak lamb so I built myself up into a heartless lion. Living this way is lonely but there is less pain, and the pain had been excruciating with him gone.

Even though I have changed, I still wait for him. Every single day I will wait.