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Wasted Words, Are They Not?

I was thinking that maybe you didn't actually understand the way I felt.

By Summer ClarkePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I was thinking that maybe you didn't actually understand the way I felt.

I liked you more than you could have possibly known.

I know we were held back and held down by complication, but that still didn't change a thing, not a single thing about how I felt.

You are the most remarkable person I've ever met and you always leave me fascinated.

I accept you for you are and one of my biggest fears is losing you.

Losing you in many forms, from your illness to not spoken words.

Don't think that just because I walked away, you didn't mean a thing.

I thought I didn't belong and I thought you never liked me.

I walked away and heard you curse.

But I never stopped. I need the sleep I was deprived from and I felt overwhelmed.

I felt I didn't belong; you didn't need me.

I was convinced that you never really liked me and that you had been kind.

I still kid myself about it, though this is in the past.

I can't help but think about all these mistakes I've made and, if it was true that you did like me in some way, all the opportunities I missed from being insecure and not knowing what was what, how things really were, and how things really are.

And I still can't believe I feel this way and I try to distract myself.

I thought that maybe we weren't supposed to be together in any shape or form, not as friends in this life, and that this guy was happening to me and he convinced me that you were no good.

And I was promised that I shouldn't talk to you. I was promised.

But this feeling is strong and it's not something I've managed to let go of yet.

It was always there. Don't think it wasn't.

Don't think I gave up on you. I was hurt.

I never wanted to go.

I often think about how much I just want to be next to you, but I feel it's very misunderstood, because I never presented my true self towards you. I was fragile.

Insecure and when I say that, I mean I didn't know who you really were and I reacted badly, made up an idea of you in my head. I never knew who you truly were.

Insecure about myself, I could never be attractive. My behaviour was distasteful.

I lied. I'm not a liar.

I was never satisfied with attention. I played with it.

And I feel that ruined a lot of things.

Because I'm still not sure now.

I often think about it. You were so sweet and always yourself as much as it was to be yourself.

I saw a very beautiful person.

I felt like I could have been myself towards you, under the right conditions, it's just that I had to be, you wouldn't have minded at all.

I wish I could have spent more time with you.

So there were no mistakes or regrets, some understanding of one another, so that now I don't have to live wondering.

breakups
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