What My Heart Tells Me

I’m quite a private person, ironically. “ironic” because I’m a Youtuber, artist, and actor and I am in the business of public disclosure, and I’m part of the generation that shares everything! Literally everything! From what you do in the morning, to what you ate the other day. Aside from my daily social posts that allow glimpses into my life, I tend to keep to my thoughts, and words to myself-relatively speaking. I am getting better at voicing or sharing my opinions, but for the most part- I keep to myself. Now, if you get me around the few people I trust, and the few people I know, I’ll say just about anything that comes to mind. Anything! And that is not an understatement! I mean- just the other day I asked some friends: “if a frozen watermelon is still a watermelon? Or is it an ice melon?” So, don’t try me, lol. I’ll let my mind spill its contents like a cup with no lid, whether it makes sense or applicable to the moment or not. I’ll dish it all out.

On the other side, Where the public is concerned I remain silent. Regardless of what you may see on camera, or when I am with family and friends. I am a pretty shy guy and tend to remain silent in public scenarios. That is one thing that I hate about myself. I am a confident guy, I just remain silent because I fear that if I speak my mind or say anything society will judge me or know that I am a trans person. So, I guess in a way I do it for my safety. Now, where I am getting more comfortable with myself and know who I am, it’s a lot easier being out in the public and meeting new people. Which is an awesome feeling? Don't you think?

Now, let’s go back a few years to when I was a child. Growing up isn’t easy for anyone! Regardless of religion or race, growing up is hard and a learning experience for everyone. So, having said that…growing up was hard for me. I didn’t really fit in with any of the girls, and I was uncomfortable in the body I was born in and didn’t know how to voice that. So, I just assumed that I was just a “tomboy”. Now, let’s fast forward a few years to my teenage years- that is where “growing up” hit me hard. I know that teenage years are hard for everyone and parents, but for me… there were many days I thought would be my last. I was so confused! I played literally every sport that I could. Was on all my school sports teams, played trombone and drums for the school band, and was in my element. However people would always say: “Why are you like that? You’re a girl.” I never really understood that, and still till this day I don’t. I have just accepted the fact that some people are close-minded and there is nothing I can do about that.

Growing up and discovering independence brings with it the realization that the world is not all pony’s and laughter. When we let go of our security blankets or everything we know- parents, siblings, childhood home and familiar surroundings- and stand on our own two feet, being accountable, minimizing negative consequences, letting go of negative people, and navigating life’s everyday challenges on our own-the more we see society’s true colors, and the more we become aware of what really goes on behind seemingly perfect but staged scenes: the social masks we all wear, the brave fronts we put up, and the curated personas that don’t align with who we truly are.

I’m saying this from a place of dramatic privilege, and I don’t mean to come across like I have it hard, or I have all the answers. But I’m speaking from a plethora of experiences that, while particular to me, might be relevant to you as well. I’ve managed to fake it this far and, somehow, I’ve been able to make it work.

I’ve had it hard and certainly don’t let my past dictate my future. But growing up has definitely got me thinking about how shady society actually is. During my journey as a young transman who deals with mild depression, anxiety, and frequent self-inflicted mental abuse- worries, insecurities, defeatist thinking- I’ve been in the dirt and trudged through the lowest of low periods. I’ve been depressed to the point of entertaining irrational thoughts to end it all. I’ve been used and mistreated for personal gain. I’ve been broken up with and left broken. I’ve gone through what I know to be my darkest moments. But I’m not here to throw a pity party or complain; I’m only here to share. Those experiences are what made me stronger, and what made me who I am today. Because it’s through the universal experiences of life that we can all connect and relate to each other. For me, the only way to climb out of the pits or slums I sometimes find myself in is through the guidance and assistance of others. Our words, our firsthand experiences, our shared truths can form ladders or even bridges. And bring hope to others.

Yes, on the surface, I’ve had an exceptional life so far, and I couldn’t be more grateful for every second. I’ve been able to travel to quite a few countries and got to live abroad for 8 years. But if you allow me to dive deeper, you’ll see that I, like everyone else, struggle. I’m imperfect. Flawed. Damaged and broken at times. But human. And I try to embrace this existence for what is: a beautiful mess.

Without the “worst”, the best wouldn’t be as sweet.

I wish I didn’t let the words of others stick with me for so long. I wish my thoughts weren’t self-defeating at times. But when I let it get to me, it’s hard to pull myself out.

I’m just trying to be honest and shed a light on my journey, discovering who I am, and accepting myself, and being ok with the fact that I am a transman.

So, I hope you all enjoy my open diary.

Liam C. Trefry

This is a book I have been working on for over a year now, I am going to publish it, however, I am also going to release on wattpad. Keep an eye out for my book