When You're in a Relationship...But Single...

So not everything feels very rosy at the moment and I'm struggling to cope. I'm recently engaged to someone who works away more than they're home. I know there are a lot of people who find themselves in a similar position.

My fiancé is a roadie and sound engineer, often away either on tour, doing gigs all over the place and now, as we're at the height of summer — slap bang in festival season.

I work freelance from home, partly in Digital Marketing, partly as a Copywriter.

In spring, we moved from my home town to be closer to his family and to an extent, his work base. We're also attempting to renovate the house he bought some years ago but hasn't ever got round to finishing...because...well, you'll see.

His work schedule has picked up immensely in the period since we moved and I've found myself living alone, in an area I'm not familiar with, with no friends or family nearby and a mounting sense of dread.

Then there's my fiance's schedule. There's only one word to describe it. Chaos. We never know what he's doing with any certainty week to week, and sometimes plans change with just a few hour's notice.

He can be gone days or weeks, here there and everywhere in between. In those times its like flip-flopping between being in a committed, happy relationship, to living like a single woman again.

It's at this juncture I should say that I'm autistic and find change very hard to cope with — change of any sort. So as you can imagine what's happened the last few months has blown my mind slightly.

Whilst I understand that many people won't have the same far-reaching reactions and feelings to things that I do, there are a lot of things you learn when you live with someone who works away a lot — especially in this business:

Everything is in constant flux, chaos, disorganized hell.

What you thought would happen one day, doesn't. If you think you've got his schedule sussed you haven't. He's got a day off? Don't expect to do anything much — he'll be asleep, or he'll fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

Never ever make plans.

Never. Whether it's birthday, anniversary, family get togethers, anything but EVERYTHING will get shat on. We've even had to plan our wedding around festival season — because he won't be able to get time off...and there'll be no honeymoon after either...because...no time off.

You find yourself feeling totally inadequate.

Well, your other half is away, on tour, with bands, leading a pretty exciting life — working hard and long hours, I should add, but still pretty exciting. You're at home, just...working...existing and trying to keep on top of domestics, paying bills/cleaning/cooking/washing. Hard not to feel down about yourself.

Contact will be sketchy.

I suppose this depends on the person you're with. I've found that my other half just gets so absorbed in what he's doing he forgets to get in touch. He's gotten a bit better. Promises to FaceTime/call never materialize and so I've decided to resign myself to the fact I'll have to settle for an occasional text. But a week without hearing from someone is tough.

You are NUMERO UNO at home, especially when things go tits up.

Leaky tap? You've got to fix it. Washing machine screwed? Up to you, porky. Grocery shopping? Carry those bags, bitch. Most of the time if stuff goes wrong, it's up to you to sort it. Dealing with landlords/letting agents is no fun on your own.

AUTISTIC KLAXON: You'll constantly have your routines SCREWED with.

So, you get into a groove, you get used to doing things...you feel settled for a while. Then...bam...it all goes to hell in a handcart when partner is at home, or working close enough to home that he can commute. Then...you'll get into another routine there, get used to that...then...yep, you guessed it. He'll go off on tour and you're on your own again, trying to adjust to another routine. Repeat ad-infinitum.

Your sleep patterns get banjaxed.

His are already up the swanny, so hell, yours might as well be too. When you're on your own, not so bad. You can plan bedtimes to suit you. If he's working and commuting home, you know he'll wake you getting home and into bed — then you'll never get back to sleep. If he's on early shifts, he'll wake you getting up and getting ready, then you won't get back to sleep. When he gets a few days off, you need to make the most of the time you have together, so stay up late talking/listening to music etc. and then you're too wired to sleep. Again, repeat ad-infinitum.

So...why do it? Why continue?

Simple answer is this. When he's here and he's not asleep, he's the best partner anyone could wish for. No one makes me laugh like he can. No one makes me feel like he can. He's not lazy, he pulls his weight when he's at home. He'll wash up. He'll take the trash out. He'll hang out the washing. He'll put his arms around me when I'm shutting down and can't speak. He'll choose awesome music to listen to. And those reasons alone make it worthwhile.

Then. He's gone again.