Where Do I Go

I don't want to hate you. I don't want to pull away because it's the only way I know how to save myself from you. But I have also reached the point in my life where if I take much more, I will break. I will break and I will burst and I will flow like ocean waves in a storm. I will pour like hurricane rains and flood like tsunami waters in the depths of my soul. I will tear apart my old self and I will burst forth, not as a butterfly but something more. I will come out wearing every scar from every painful memory I have ever endured. I will explode with the sonic boom of a jet crashing through the sound barrier. I will lament for what once was and what could be. I will shout my sins to the mountains and let you see the blood rush from these once stitched together wounds.

No, I don't want to hate you. But you may push me to that point. I never thought I could care much less than I do right now. That walking away would ease the torment that tears at my heart every time you are brought into conversation. That I would have to choose who I love more but I can't choose myself. It's as if I'm the only normal one in this world full of screwed up mental patients. Like I'm trapped in an asylum begging for sanctuary. Bashing my head against the same brick wall. Over and over. Frustration building and seeping like a slow lava flow from beneath my skin. Seething and needing to erupt on anyone who will listen.

But why does everyone but you listen? Why is it that I seek your approval so badly? Why is it that I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be good enough or strong enough or smart enough? After every battle that I have waged and every war that I have stormed the battlefield to survive, do you still tempt and tease the demons that live so patiently in the cages I have given them? If you want to see the monstrosities of the things that I have seen and done then step inside and listen. Like being dragged into the dungeons of a castle built with the flaming brimstone of hell.

Shall we discuss what it feels like in here? In the deep abyss of my mind where I have tirelessly worked to fight back the soul-sucking nightmares I call memories? The abandonment that scratches its way to the surface every now and then to visit and run its nails along my back whispering, do you remember me?

Shall we discuss the slow and steady, determined and encouraged steps forward into a new journey that I have begun? Shall we discuss how this all came along? Or shall we continue to wallow in your self-pity? The unhappiness you torment yourself through, day in and day out. You who cries you have no choice, shackled by the patriarchy with no way out. Locked in a jail cell of bitter memories you just can't let go.

And when I feel the parts of you inside of me trying to crawl beneath my skin to the surface, I almost want to scream that this is not me. I am not selfish, I am not jealous, I am not possessive. But I am....but it's not who I want to be. I want to be nothing like you and every bit every part of me.

Can't we agree to disagree? Move forward and grow from this? I'm so tired these days and I've got so little left to give. Pulling from ancient memories, buried like Egyptian artifacts in the sarcophagi of my pyramids. Colossal constellations lining the night sky, guiding me on my way, guiding me home...home to the locked cage within the earth where the titans fight to get out. But I don't want to live there anymore.

I have seen the glory! I have seen the golden streets like no other has ever seen. I have been given freedom and seen a side of love I couldn't have ever imagined was possible to exist. Like the soft smooth edges of sandalwood whittled down into small animal shapes lined along the counter top of a beach house. Strong like the glass made from lightning striking the sand, pulled and made into beautiful wind chimes that swing from porches that circle old southern houses. Love like tomorrow is worth waking up for to see what adventure we'll go on next out in the truck down a back road, enjoying the sunlight touching our hands.

I have felt the healing power of a hug from the strong arms of a woman who has suffered and has crawled from the darkness to lead others to the light. A woman who is genuine beyond what is humanely possible despite the darkness I know still crawls within her. Each and every scar a detailed memory, spoken like a poet on a stone bench on a hot summer day.

The joyful sound of a gentle man's laughter, standing still in the photo frame of a memory. A moment in time where there was temporarily no pain. The welcoming whispers and side crack jokes that bring a smile to my face as he races around helping and guiding everyone he meets. Like an old friend you haven't seen in years but he hasn't forgotten a day.

I am held together by the happiness that I bottle each night and store as a happier memory on my nightstand. Something to remind me it's not all bad each morning when I rise. The joy I get from giving the pieces of me that are still whole to others every Sunday at the church on the corner. A welcoming home I never knew I missed. A place I never knew I needed...one that needed me.

So no, I don't want to hate you. I want to pull you to the light with me. In every prayer, I pray every day and every night. He knows what's in my heart, He feels it, He sees it. I have placed it in His hands.

But you still hurt me. You tear at my insides. My stomach drops to the floor at the thought of you...and I don't know how to fix it.