You See Her When You Close Your Eyes

When you’re in love with someone and you let them go and you haven’t told them how you really feel about them, there will always be that tiny part of yourself that whispers, what was it that you wanted, why didn’t you fight for her or him? Words not yet said, probably never to be said. Those warm glows that you feel and have felt, those sparks of emotion that ignite every fibre of your being will likely never fade. Most of us won’t think about that person every day however, life has a horrible habit of getting in the way. People can be easy to let go though especially if you feel that you’re not worthy of them.

People are complex characters, especially women. Relationships can be tough at times, but isn’t that what makes them worthwhile? The knowledge intrinsic in yourself that you need and want it to work. I want that girl to punch me when I’m not being the best boy that I can be towards her but to try and understand me at the same time when I’m struggling with something or trying to articulate exactly what my thoughts and feelings are towards her. It’s definitely a juggling act on both sides of the relationship. Falling in love with someone happens to at least one of us every day, but I used to shake my head when people talked about how people could become soul mates. It sounded ideal, perhaps something more suited to fiction rather than real life. Then, before you know it, the world turned itself upside down, we met, and everything changed, I became the converted soul, a believer of everything that I hadn’t thought could be true previously.

Unless you work hard at it, love, like anything addictive, can become something that you take for granted. Kisses become fewer and caresses and hugs can be a chore, except, of course, to those of us who work at showing our significant other every day how much they mean to us. Those of us who share the kisses, who give and take the hugs, are definitely doing better than those of us who aren’t.

When you care more if someone else lives a better life than you do, is that what love is? Can any of us mere mortals define it in a better fashion?

Something about your first love defies and defines everything. Before this most wondrous of things happens, it’s almost like your heart is a blank canvas. No feelings, no words, it’s something that can just creep up on you. You might have known that person for years and years before things progress to a relationship that is more than just friendship. After though, your mind, your feelings, the thoughts in your heart are left inscribed with every experience, every word that person has uttered to you and that can be a tough thing to get past if the worst happens and your relationship never quite makes it to the next level. When that happens, and if you’re the guilty party in terms of never expressing your feelings, do you really have anyone else to blame? When it ends, no amount of reproach or self-loathing will get rid of the words, the emotions, the cheeky glances made to each other, far less the promises made of what else might come for you both in the future as a couple. You’d imagine though that sooner or later, you find that there’s space for someone else who will write the same words and thoughts on your heart, assuming that there is still space. Will it ever be the same though?

Nonetheless, love is a funny thing. More specifically, the future loves are a funny thing. No matter how incredible that second or third love is, will the first one always be in the back of your mind? When you lose it, inevitably, it’s your fault, unless you’ve been cheated on. Whilst that didn’t happen to me, my lack of how much I thought that I truly felt for someone ended our relationship at nothing more than being friends. My heart no longer felt as if it belonged to me. It felt as it had been stolen, torn from my body by someone who wanted nothing to do with it. The only person to blame? You’ve guessed it.

First loves are supposed to be a fleeting thing. They are supposed to eat away at you in a way that could potentially spoil every future relationship that you have. Depending on the strength of your character, then you’ll be able to move on and that’s a wonderful thing.

The flipside of love is that you want to have it because it’s perfect in the moment. Love is a series of stolen moments, of shared thoughts, of cheeky smiles that sometimes, we immediately leave behind. Not cool, quite sad actually, things that are taken for granted. Yet, we try to hold on and if we have anything about us as a human being, we try to make it work. It’s not always that easy though is it? That first love. The first one who breaks your heart. For me, just like millions of others, they just happen to be the same person. She’s moved on. She’s happy. My heart bursts at her happiness but also aches in a way that she’ll never know. I can never tell her now, no matter how much that I might want to.

No matter where I am in my life, in whichever city around the world, no matter what I am doing, you’ll never be far from my thoughts. Moving on will happen for sure, but I’m not moving away from you. You will always be in my thoughts, a part of my past, and whilst not a part of my present, who knows what the future holds? No matter how far apart in miles or hopes or dreams we may be, I want you to know that you will always be one of my top priorities.

I would rather have my heart and feelings ripped apart by you than be in love with anyone else. You don’t even know that has happened, you’ve done it without knowing and I don’t have the heart to tell you. When I saw you for the first time, the stranger that I had never known, somehow everything completely disappeared and I realised that I found someone who I wanted to get to know more and more of, each and every day. From that moment, it was only you, nothing else mattered.

If I could give you the one thing in your life, I would give you the chance to see yourself through my eyes. Perhaps only then would you realise how special you are to me. It’s too late now though. You only know you love her when you let her go.