1/1/18

The last night of the year felt like the beginning of forever. Last night was a night that I needed, surrounding myself with amazing people, Laughter from every inch of the house. I was with my best friend, when I looked over, and saw the man I wanted to hold onto. I couldn’t have asked for a better crowd to end the year with. This is going to be my year. I don’t want to hold back from what I want.

Seeing you made me realize it had been months since I heard your voice, and I didn’t recognize your face anymore, I was happy. Every last trace of your scent had been washed out of my hair, and poured down the drain. Your name no longer rang a soft melody in my head, and I stopped seeing your face in my dreams. You became a warning sign that my heart would be torn out by the hands of lust. But there you were, and so badly did I want you to lay your hands across my chest to find the fast pace of my heartbeat.

I wanted to kiss you. I needed to kiss you. One of those kisses where I’m pressing my body up against yours. Your hands in my hair, and mine on your back, clutching to you in any way I could. My body had been yearning for yours. I was craving you.

My heart was racing when you looked at me. Once midnight struck, I curled up with fearful butterflies, feeling like Cinderella, wanting to run when the clock struck into the new year. Oh, how I wish I was brave enough to walk through that crowd, and press our lips together. To recreate the kiss I always thought about. The kiss under the stars. With so much passion, adrenaline, and lust, I wanted to do it again, but I couldn't find the courage.

I stayed up all night with you, and at times it is still all I can think about. I didn't go to bed until 6 AM, because I was filled with so many emotions, just from this guy. But he wasn't just any guy, he was my guy. The guy that turned all of my bad days around. The guy that I wanted to be beside me when my life became too much to bear, or when everything around me was amazing. I was hoping and praying that this year would be different. After having this night together, I knew it would be different; it had to be.

But it wasn't, not at all. Because you picked someone else, again. You fell for someone else, again. You chose me when it was convenient, and I chose you every time. I changed everything, because I was trying so hard to grab your attention, and now I know that was the problem, trying to be with someone I had to change everything for. And for some reason I still think about our night under the stars, and the night we stayed up all night choosing each other.

I fell in love with the tension. The touching that turned into grabbing, the soft kisses that turned into passionate tongues, and your heartbeat getting faster and faster. You only whispered ‘I love you’ when your hand was sliding past my waistband. That is when I came to understand the difference between want and need. I may want you, but I certainly don’t need you. Maybe I still see us through fragments and flashes in places we were. Although I don’t know why you changed your mind on us, I just stopped needing an answer. I was in lust with you.