10 Things No One Told Me About Life After Marriage

I once heard the secret to marriage is to never hate each other's guts at the exact same time. While this may sound harsh, after so many years of marriage, it's true. Sure, hate may be a bit extreme but deciding to live day in and day out, create children, and grow old with another human can be difficult at times. OK, it can be damn near impossible at times! What starts off with endless kisses and laughs, romance, lingerie, and intelligent conversations turns into quick texts, sparse dates, scheduled quickies, and if you're lucky, undergarments that are in the same color palette.

I received so much advice before our nuptials, some good, some crap, but there are some things you won't know until you actually live it. Here are ten things no one told me about life after marriage.

Pretend sleep to avoid sex

This one is no secret and a joke known around the world, however a joke it is not. During a couple's engagement and early months of wedded bliss, it is hard to believe you will ever want to avoid sex with the love of your life. Why would anyone choose sleep over and a potential orgasm? Couple's will swear their future will be different because they have something special, a physical connection unlike no other. Excuse me while I roll my eyes because I call BULLSHIT! Cute bullshit, but still bullshit. It's not like married people no longer like orgasms or enjoy sex because married lovin' can still be delicious. On the other hand you know what else is delicious? Sleep. Quiet. Peace. No children grabbing you. No one asking you for something. Not having to yell. Not having to freaking move! Even if you don't have children yet, a couple can get to a point where after a long day of work and life, sometimes a person just needs to be. To close their eyes, not be spoken to or touched. This doesn't make us cold-hearted this makes us human and no matter how "special" your physical connection is (another eye roll) you too will fake a snooze one time or another to avoid a round of hanky panky.

I would have to hide shopping bags.

Remember the days when you were single and could buy whatever you want whenever you wanted? Not necessarily being able to afford it, but that's neither here or there. There was no hiding bags in the car or smuggling shirts in your purse and definitely no pretending that the boots on your feet are not new but in fact from last winter. Now, after being married for seven years, a regular trip to Target involves half the packages brought in and the other half stashed in the back seat. Granted most of it I return anyways, but I still never expected to be a secret shopper, but really who wants to hear, "How many black shirts and ripped jeans can one woman have?" It will drive you mad and definitely not stop me!

Watching him do the dishes would be a turn on.

I always thought it was cute when my fiancé would help me do the two dishes we had or make the one and only bed in our apartment, but now that random act of kindness earns major sexy time points. Just the thought of him passing the sink, seeing it full, and taking the initiative to wash them without being asked is as close to porn as it gets for this chick. Never saw that one coming after seven years of marriage.

Get So Excited to Have a Night Alone on Your Couch

Ahhh, I remember the days where the thought of my husband going out without me left me depressed and slightly jealous. I wanted to spend every night together, forever! Now, I still enjoy our time together and make a point for us to keep date nights but good lord, nowadays I sure do love a night alone, once the kids go to sleep of course. "Sure honey, no problem, have a great time...BYE!" I don't have to cook a big meal, clean up after an extra person, or speak to anyone for the rest of the night. I can sit my ass on my couch, drink wine, watch chick flicks, text as much as I want, and eat junk without feeling guilty!

No Longer Being Able to Hang out with Your Single Friends

Before marriage it didn't matter if your friend was single or dating because when it came to a girls night out we were all for one and one for all. Sure we had jealous partners along the way but at the end of the day our friends were our friends and we were hanging out regardless. Fast forward eight years, married with two young children, and the last thing I want my man doing is going out with his single guy friends who worry about one thing and one thing only and that is their penis. Same goes for my still single friends who are always out and about looking for their future husband. What business do I have going to the bar and getting hit on along with my unattached posse. Of course I knew these things would change after saying "I do," I just didn't realize how passionate I would feel about it. As in, I'll kick you in the balls if you try and go on a bachelor party to Miami with three single dudes and one engaged friend.. Yeah. Effing. Right. Keep dreaming bro.

How serious the D word is

You never realize how severe the word divorce is until you get married. Even if you grew up in a home of divorce which is tragic in so many ways, it still holds different meaning when you, yourself are the one married. It's a serious, painful, and scary threat that takes everything your world is built on and threatens to destroy it. I have seen so many couples throw it around like it's just another way to say "shut up," but now being with the same man for ten years, I know that term will never be used in this household unless a divorce is happening.

How Important the Little Things Are

Of course I've always known how important attention, affection, and appreciation is in a relationship. It is vital. Without these things a marriage cannot thrive and most likely not survive. What I didn't know is how crazy life would get where finding even a moment alone would be damn near impossible. This is where you have to find a way to express your love in other ways, little ways. Just my husband telling me he will bathe the kids tonight, let me sleep in, or how great my ass looks in those jeans, means more to me now than it ever would have. I try and do the same with surprise sexy moments or making his favorite meal. So to those of you who haven't tied the knot just yet, this is one piece of advice and insight you should NEVER forget.

He Would Turn into a Giant Man-Baby Who Suffers from Memory Loss

I genuinely did not know that after getting married my husband would Benjamin Button his ass into a toddler, a toddler with extreme memory loss. I remember the days when he would listen to what I said, granted before children and marriage my conversations didn't start, continue, and end with complaining, but still, he listened. I also remember when he could do stuff for himself like I don't know clean a dish, sweep up some crumbs, fold socks, feed himself. Now, mommy has to do everything for daddy-man-baby or else he might just die. Sometimes I wonder if he even realizes how stuff gets done. I often wonder if he may actually believe the stain on his shirt magically disappeared or the sink full of toothpaste just cleaned itself. I had no idea he would forget how to do such basic life tools or that his ability to remember what I asked him to do would completely diminish. Is it his hearing loss, maybe. Is it him tuning me out, probably. Or could it be he has in fact heard me but just didn't feel the need to store the information in his brain so he could actually accomplish the task. Then comes the dreaded, "You never told me to do that"! Oh hell no, hell to the freakin' no, you did NOT just say that. I wish I could walk around with a recording device just so i could prove him wrong time and time again.

Talk About Poop as Much as We Do

In the early stages of dating, poop and fart talk are off limits. As women we try to keep the whole, "girls don't poop" facade going as long as possible but eventually that bubble bursts and the crap talk begins. From stomach bugs and pregnancy hemorrhoids to diapers and potty training, poop is one of our most discussed topics. Luckily for me, I find the discussion of bowl movements non-offensive or embarrassing and in our home the more you poop the better, thanks to my children.

How Ugly I Would Let Myself Look in Front of Him

I always allowed myself to bum it up in front of my boyfriends. Weather it was due to lazy Sundays or a nasty cold, I wasn't afraid to rock a messy unwashed bun, too big sweats, and an old-ass hoodie. However, now after having children and being with my husband as long as I have, bumming has taken on an entire new meaning. Some times due to a virus, other times due to a sleepless baby, and then there are the times where I just don't give a SHIT! My husband has seen me at my worst, like absolute worst. Greasy hair, grandma bra under a stained t-shirt, leggings with holes and crotch tears, and a smell that I wouldn't say is bad but it definitely isn't Chanel No 5. I seriously never thought I would let anyone see me as horrendous as he has seen me. This is where I really lucked out, because even when I look in the mirror and say to myself, "Holy good God he has been looking at THIS all day," somehow someway he still would jump in bed with me if I asked. Now that is LOVE.