12 Profiles You'll See Online Dating as a Lesbian

Good luck out there.

via Getty Images

Like many of my peers, I have a love-hate relationship with 21st century dating, mostly because I am not good at it. It is rare to meet someone in the 18-24 age bracket, especially in the gay community. Yet after swiping for a while, a lot of the candidates you see look similar. If you're a woman who uses a dating app to date other women, members of these groups will be impossible to avoid.

The New Age Free Spirit

Her bio references not only her zodiac sign but her moon sign and she will not even consider meeting anyone from her list of incompatible signs. She probably works at a hipster coffee shop or bar while she sells homemade jewelry on Etsy. Or her job line just says "free spirit." Her photos are all at music festivals. She may or may not be a white girl with dreads but she definitely has a ton of tattoos of varying quality. She has a crystal for whatever ails you and values all things "all natural," whatever the hell that means. She uses phrases like "4/20 friendly," "Good vibes only," and "Let's go on an adventure" both in her bio and in your messages with each other. She will probably eventually blow you off because she's just such a free spirit. 

The Kinky-Poly-Queer

Those are the only labels she's into. She usually has funky-colored hair, facial piercings, and wears leather everything. She has some interests in common with the New Age Free Spirit like practicing Wicca, tarot cards, and her septum piercing. She often already has a main partner and is looking for someone else to either join the relationship or have casual sex with on the side and makes it clear that you should "swipe left if you have a problem with that," as if that really needed to be said. You're either really into it or really not. 

The Annoyingly Gold Star

In her own mind she is the ultimate authority on what makes someone a "real lesbian" and it is only women who are exactly like her. Her bio not only mentions that she is gold star and knew that she was gay from the second she popped out of the womb but often disparages bi and/or trans women. The most extreme example of this I have seen is the woman whose bio included requests for "proof that you're a real female." I'd say members of this group should just date each other and leave everyone else alone but they probably find ways to nitpick the hell out of each other's lesbian credentials. 

The Recovering Straight

This woman is on the other extreme end of the Annoyingly Gold Star. She has only dated men before but wants to try out being with a woman without committing. On its own, this isn't a bad thing. It becomes a problem when the language she uses reflects a desire to treat her hookup like a human sex toy. "I'm looking for an experienced lady lover to show me how it's done." Oh, please. 

The Woker Than Thou

We dykes love our causes. Many dating profiles mention an interest in social justice, a vegetarian or vegan diet, and specific political ideology. Anyone who runs in socially just circles, however, has met a few people who care more about other people seeing them as enlightened than any given cause. A Woker Than Thou not only mentions her pet causes in her dating profile, but has some weird Hill to Die On related to them. I'm talking about a girl from my university whose entire Tinder bio was "If you think eating fast food is justifiable for any reason, we already have nothing in common," the "if you're not a vegan, you're a bad person" crowd, the crowd that types "technology is ruining genuine human connection" into a messaging app on a smartphone, or anyone who wants to argue about which non-straight sexual orientation group is "the most radical." 

The Unicorn Hunters

I envy those of you who are blissfully unaware of this online dating phenomenon. This is when a couple, either a straight man and a straight woman or a straight man and a bisexual woman, create a joint Tinder account to look for a bisexual woman to "spice up their sex life." Usually the woman is pretty but the man looks like a truck for some reason. These fuckers are everywhere and I can't help but wonder if literally anyone ever takes them up on it. Seeing several of these profiles in a row is like going to a college art kids' party. They get extra eyeroll points if the bio uses a corny phrase like "we're queering heterosexuality."

The Lez-bro

She's basically your dad or older brother in lesbian form. She loves sports, beer, video games, and burgers. She mostly wears sweatshirts and jerseys but has one or two pictures of her in a suit in her profile. Even if she's not your type you can't help but admire how comfortable in her butchness she is. 

Obsessed with her Pet

All of her pictures are with her pet(s). She compares her pet ownership to having an actual human child. Something along the lines of "If you don't like dogs/cats/rabbits/whatever you don't have a soul," is somewhere in her bio. You swipe right when you're craving petting an animal almost as badly as you're craving sex. This is a very real feeling for pet lovers who live in an apartment that doesn't allow them. Not at the same time, you freaks! 

Your Ex

It's inevitable when the dating pool is so small. No matter the seriousness or lack thereof of the former relationship it stings, but not nearly as much as it will if she starts dating someone from your friend group.

The Straighty Just Looking for Friendship

Why are you using a dating app for this? Being in a new city where you don't know anyone is hard but please consider using Meetup instead. 

The Nerd Who is Too Shy for This Shit

This is the one I'm the closest to. Her photos are nice but not typical Tinder fare and include at least one elaborate Halloween or convention costume. Her bio is a list of her hobbies and fanbases followed by "sorry if I don't message first, I'm kinda shy." She probably listed her Harry Potter house. You have to think about which way you're gonna swipe because she's not ~hot~ but she seems kinda sweet. You probably like about half of the things she listed. 

The Not Like Other Lesbians Lesbian

She's the lesbian equivalent of gay men's Masc4Masc type. You can smell her internalized misogyny and homophobia from a mile away. She is a femme strictly looking for other femmes and who thinks butch lesbians "make the community look bad" or some shit. She is or was in a sorority. Her bio probably includes the phrase "I don't do hookups, I respect myself," the classic implication being that women who do hook up don't respect themselves. She brags that she "doesn't care about politics" as if that's an accomplishment. She mentions that she hates Tinder on her profile as if she's not literally using it right now.

Good luck out there. Whether you're in one of these groups, a combination of several, or something else, I hope you find your person. And straight women who are one more unsolicited dick pic or shirtless guy holding a fish away from changing your settings to women, I hope this reminds you that we have our own brands of weirdos.

Now Reading
12 Profiles You'll See Online Dating as a Lesbian