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I feel quite selfish blaming it on you.

By Eva BeatricePublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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I feel quite selfish blaming it on you.

But lately I've been losing myself and the only reason I seem to find for this is that you left when I needed you most, you left when I finally started to believe you'd stay forever, you left when I decided I wanted you to stay.

You proved to me that I was right, and I made the biggest mistake when I decided to let my guard down for once and let you in.

Now everything I seem to do is play everyone while playing tricks on my own mind, too.

Today I walked past the point where we saw a shooting star that night.

I didn't even realize it but I instantly started to imagine how it would be like if you were to come back, and the fact that in my mind I'd forgive you without a doubt terrified me.

I tried to shake it off, shaking my head but the truth is — and I just can't deny it anymore — that I would totally run back to you, and I know how stupid that sounds, and it is.

I'd run right back to you no matter what because I never really stopped loving you; you're the one that left, and the fact that I would go back if YOU decided to come back first makes me realize that you still have power and I hate that.

But I am totally moving on, I've moved on already actually, a long time ago, however you do happen to cross my mind on a daily still, and it's not love is it? Because if it would be, you'd still be here. It's not love, and I don't have you.

Hate needs to be felt, and I feel nothing.

Yes, I've moved on, and I look for you in everyone else.

He held my hand last night, but not as tight as you used to, he didn't make small circles on the palm of my hand with his thumb, and he got the way I like to hold hands right straight away. I didn't have to tell him "no wait! You have to hold it the other way, that's not how you do it!" and I didn't have to laugh at him, he didn't have to comment on it.

He hugged me, too.

But I didn't lay my head on his chest to listen to his heart beating, the only heartbeat I want to remember is yours.

I didn't press my hands against his chest because I didn't know if he liked it, whereas with you, I wouldn't have cared if you liked it or not.

And how could I not mention that he kissed me as well?

But my heart hasn't moved, it didn't skip a beat, and my lips didn't feel at home, his lips were not as soft as yours.

They weren't yours.

He smiled and made me laugh, but I didn't stop and stare at his smile, and I didn't feel like laughing half the time.

The truth is, I don't feel like loving anyone since you left.

I had a great time with him last night, but I didn't enjoy it.

Because I wasn't with you.

I listened to him talk, but I didn't hear a word he said.

Because I was playing old memories of your voice in my head.

It felt wrong.

Being with him felt wrong, because only you feel right.

You are stuck in my head and I wish I could get rid of you and erase you like I erase old writings of you. I wish I could go back and never come out to meet you. I wish I could continue with my life, and I wish I could fall in love again, and I wish you weren't such an important part of my life and I...

I know I must've said goodbye at least a hundred times but I can't let go, I can't leave you behind, when I'm with them I think of you.

They give me all I want, but I need it from you.

I wish I had the courage to send this one day, but I delete it instead because it wouldn't make a difference.

You made your choice a long time ago, maybe even before we saw that shooting star and I wished for us to be forever.

I wish I hadn't wasted that wish on you.

breakups
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About the Creator

Eva Beatrice

Take a moment, take a breath. What do you see? What do you feel? Let go of your fears and step out. Mistakes happen, just let go. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything will be fine.

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