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From many people that I’ve either talked to or read stories about online, they agree that 2018 has been their worst year, including mine.
A lot of things happened this year in a span of around nine months (mid-March to mid-Dec), and these were all to do with my relationships.
First Relationship (K)
To start off with, my first ever relationship with someone I met online in January of 2015. The relationship had its ups and downs, but from my perspective, I would say it was an emotionally abusive relationship (this wasn’t stated by myself but from my friends). I don’t want to go into detail but I will list a few things he didn’t like about me:
- He didn’t like the way I dressed (I mainly wear jeans) and preferred the idea of myself wearing dresses due to my religious beliefs.
- It was hard having conversations with him as he would normally never consider my opinions, so when he would want to ask my opinion, I would never try to give one.
- He would try to persuade me to follow the career path that he would think suited me rather than be happy about my passions and career goals.
- He didn’t like the idea I went on Facebook and specifically stated that if we got married that I would have to get rid of the social network and go off grid.
Sounds crazy, I know—my family and friends thought so too. Some of my friends are surprised I dated him for a bit more than three years. But that's love. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But it caused me to be more depressed than I already was, to the point that if I wasn’t able to leave him, I would think about eventually giving up my life because of being in that relationship. I finally got to the point where I couldn’t take the relationship anymore. I tried to end the relationship in October of 2017. However, I wasn’t able to leave as I still loved him and I was going to miss him. But also in a sense, he was guilt tripping me into staying in the relationship as he would say how I could not just break his heart, but his parents' hearts and my own parents' hearts. That put a big toll on me, which made me not end the relationship. However in March of 2018, I was finally able to end the relationship. It took me a lot of willpower and standing my ground about what I wanted and knowing I wanted to be free of the emotional pain I was in. That although I loved him, I had to put myself first for once.
Second Relationship (T)
This relationship helped me get out of the previous relationship, but in the long-term, it took the most damage from all the relationships I was in. Due to the fact that the events that affected me happened in a small amount of time, I honestly didn’t have time to process what was going on and how it ended. It was unexpected to talk to this person to begin with, although with everything that happened, I am happy they helped me get out of a relationship that I couldn’t mentally do alone. Sadly this person was more depressed than me and I couldn’t help them with their panic attacks and thoughts. I saw that they had insecurities about other guys being better than them. I then developed that idea as they fell for someone else that they took time to eventually tell me about. Within six weeks, it just went downhill, but I should have known I didn’t really like him as much as I was telling myself. This is because physically being with him was so hard as if my mind didn’t really want to be around him. In a sense, I wanted him for the emotional support, but that’s not healthy in any relationship. It took a long time to get over it and broke me the most. It affected my studies and it was the first time I wasn’t able to hold the emotions in. I tried to persuade him to come back, but there was no way of doing it as he liked someone else.
Third Relationship (J)
This was unexpected as I was friends with this person for two years prior to ever developing feelings for them, although I developed feelings for them in my first year of university with them. The relationship was alright. We would hang out. But he never felt that he was emotionally there for me as if he was still acting like a friend in the relationship. I realised that I deserved more from a partner and ended the relationship before I started my masters so I could have a fresh start.
Fourth Relationship (I)
This relationship was the first time I ever met someone over a dating app. We had great chemistry and I thought things were going well. But I still had my anxiety and my insecurities which made him very emotionally exhausted from me, which eventually caused him to the end the relationship. I completely understood his decision. I also tried to persuade him to take me back. But I realised that you can’t persuade anyone to take you back.
Fifth Relationship (M) Present
This guy I’m currently dating, we met about a year before we actually got together. I found him cute the second I saw him. He asked me to play a board game with him and I was able to see the alpha in him as he played, which I thought was very attractive. However, as I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend at the time, I had to keep the feelings to myself. Although, I never knew the whole time he had feelings for me, too. When I was single around my exam period, I tried to have conversations with him but he sadly didn’t look like he was interested. Although he did tell me that he was staying for another year, I just forgot about it over the summer. Eventually, around mid-October, I saw him randomly in one of my university bars, but I just tried to act like I didn’t see him and just forgot about him straight after. Around November, I messaged him again, and then one day he finally decided to message me back. This was because as a joke to a previous message, I was saying that we still needed to meet up because I said in the exam season before that I wanted to meet up. He eventually expressed his feelings for me which I was very surprised about. Although during this time meeting up with him, it's the first time my depression hasn’t been present.