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24 Jokes About Marriage That Will Make You Laugh Hard

There's Some Ugly Truth Here

1. Woman and her husband are in the middle of the "action." She says to him: "Speak dirty stuff to me boy!" Husband: "Living room, kitchen, washroom..."

2. Wife: "Our neighbor constantly osculates his wife when he leaves house in the morning. Why don't you do something like that my honey?" Husband: "How could I, my pumpkin? I don't even know who the poor woman is."

3. My boy is very inquisitive and curious. Once, he wanted to know what it's like to be in a lifetime commitment. I told him to seclude me and once he did I queried why he was neglecting me.

4. Two friends are talking. One asks: "If marriage is "grand," what the hell is divorce?" Second replies: "Oh my God, a hundred grand, or much more."

5. Guy makes a confession on the TV show. "My beloved wife and I've been bond in a marriage for 30 years and my sweetie asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bed again. I brought home some diet pills. Obviously not what she had in mind."

6. My aunt Anna was telling her husband, Mitch, about an excellent show she'd watched on the Netflix. The show gave an award to bold people who put themselves in substantial danger to help out someone they didn't even knew. Mitch replied: “That sounds a lot like getting married, my sweet potato.”

7. Bob and Paul are having a chin wag. Paul asks: "What's the significant difference between love and marriage?" Bob responds: "Love is totally blind and marriage is quite an eye-opener!"

8. Martin is telling a story to his buddies at the Afghanistan War veteran's annual meeting: "I believe as marriages go, we are doing absolutely splendid, because I get to sleep with my babe almost every day!

Almost on Monday!

Almost on Tuesday!

Almost on Wednesday!

Almost on Thursday!

Almost on Friday!

Almost on Saturday!

Almost on Sunday!"

9. David and Michael are having a beer and a chat. David says: “I haven’t militated to my wife whole year.” Michael asks: “Why haven't you, mate?” David: “I don’t like to interrupt my sweet little angel.”

10. Motria is bragging to her girlfriends at the real estate office: "If I have to choose among a helpmate and shoes, I'd always choose the latter. They have propensity to last longer and are easier to replace."

11. A 62 year old billionaire is getting married and has a substantial wedding reception, half of his still living buddies are present.

His grumpy friends are, of course, quite jealous and one of them asks him how did he succeed to catch such a beautiful 24 year old woman?

“Simple,” responds the billionaire, “I fu**ing lied about my age."

His friends are really wonder-stricken and ask him how much he said.

"Well," he responded. "I said I was 88!"

12. Wife asks her husband: "Do you want dinner, my sugar daddy?" Husband responds: "Sure my sunshine, what are my choices?" Wife says: "Yes and no, my big bear."

13. Son tells his father: "Pa', I’ve heard that in some regions of the world a man doesn’t know his spouse until he marries her." Father responds: "My heir, that's true everywhere, on this planet of ours."

14. A 6 year old boy looks at his mother at her friend's wedding and says, “Mummy, Mummy why is the woman dressed completely in white?” His mother answers, “The woman is called "an intended" and she is in white because this is the merriest day of her life.” The boy then says, “OK Mummy, and why is the man completely in black?”

15. Every proper man wants to marry a hot wife, a clever wife, an amorous wife, an attractive wife, and a cooperative wife. Unfortunately, polygamy is against the law in this country.

16. An oldish couple talk in the morning. Husband says: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you last night. How do you keep your cool with my nasty moods?” Wife replies: “I always go and clean the washroom when that outburst happens.” Husband: “And does it help, my darling?” Wife: “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush, my teddy bear.”

17. If a man opens the automobile door for his dear skirt, you can definitely tell one thing — either the automobile is new or the skirt is.

18. A married couple, Stanford and Jennifer, are talking. Jennifer: "Love, what will you give me for our 30th anniversary?" Stanford: "A journey to Cuba?" Jennifer: "Wow, that’s awesome love, and for our 50th anniversary?" Stanford: "Then I'll pick you up again, my chipmunk."

19. John, 68, a retired farmer decided to go back to college. He had a meeting with the dean of the college. The dean asked him, “Are you hoping for a bachelor’s degree, Sir?” John replied, “I want to Sir, but I can’t. I’m still married.”

20. Milton noticed his credit card has been surreptitiously stolen — but he chose not to notify the bank. The thief was spending considerably less than his spouse Cheryl.

21. A policeman jumps onto his motorcycle and calls the Operations center. “I have a mind boggling case here,” he ushers. “A woman shot her husband five times for stepping on the floor she just swept.” “Have you detained her?” asks the Lieutenant. “Oh no Sir, not yet. The floor is still quite dank.”

22. Justin and James are having a conversation: Justin asks: "What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man?" James replies: "I don't know." Justin says: "Bachelor comes at house, sees what's in the fridge & runs to bed. Married man comes at house, sees what's in the bed & runs to the fridge."

23. Wife angrily says to her husband: “I’ve had aplenty with your stupid observations about my weight husband. I’m leaving you for good!” Husband asks: “But sweetie, what about our baby?” Wife: “What baby???” Husband: “Oh, so you’re not actually pregnant?”

24. Old MGTOW is explaining the concept of marriage to the entry level MGTOW: "I’ve never been married in my lifetime, but I can probably imagine how that agony feels. I once had a piece of glass stuck inside my boot for 12 hours."

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