One of my most important functions as a dating and relationship coach is to help people get over heartbreak. Before I can help anyone find the love of their life, it’s crucial that they truly let go of their past. If you’re currently struggling with a broken heart, check out this video I made about how to get over heartbreak here.
But what if you could stop heartbreak before it even happens? You can, and I’m here to tell you exactly how to do it. All it takes is a few mind shifts on your part. These outlook changes take time to master, but believe me, it’s worth it.
In my experience there are three things that cause the most heartache. I’m going to tell you what those are, and how to overcome them.
Guilt is the number one thing I see in my practice that causes a person anguish. Everyone has made mistakes, no one is perfect. But the problem arises when you are unable to forgive yourself and it ends up blocking you from finding true love. A person who feels intense guilt actually believes that they do not deserve to have real love. And it’s true what they say; “You accept the love that you think you deserve”. When someone continually beats themselves up over something they did they perceive as “wrong”, they form a subconscious limiting belief that they do not deserve to have love in their life. Nothing is further from the truth!
Change your belief system to “there really are no mistakes.”
What if they actually were no mistakes? Every action or situation you have ever been in has happened for a reason. It has taught you some lesson that your soul needed to learn. And more importantly, it has made you who you are today. Where would you be without your experiences?
Personally, I’ve made every single dating and relationship mistake in the book. And even made some that aren’t in any book (if that’s even possible!). But I’m grateful for every single challenge and heartache because it has lead me to my true purpose. While I’m still working on fully forgiving myself, with practice, it gets better each day. Forgive yourself! You owe it to yourself to do this. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences. Take what you learned, and move on.
As Shakespeare famously said: “Expectation is the root of all heartache” and we all know this is true. If we go into any dating situation expecting a certain result, we are most likely going to be very disappointed indeed. Oftentimes we have expectations simply because our desire to have love and a relationship is so strong. We’re tired of going on date after date, being lonely, and we just want to find a partner that we vibe with.
Keep your expectations, but don’t place it on any certain person.
Your expectations form your checklist on what it is that you desire in a mate, so keep your expectations, and keep them high! The key here is to not place any of these expectations on a particular person. Personally, I expect to feel loved and adored. I expect honesty and loyalty, and will not settle for anything less. I expect to feel safe and secure (this list goes on, of course). But I do not expect this from any particular man! As soon as I see that a guy I’m on a date with doesn’t meet this criteria, I move on, and quickly! There is no point in wasting my time by continuing to go out with a dude that falls short of what it is I’m looking for.
The last thing that causes enormous heartbreak is attachment, and is by far the trickiest one to navigate. When you fall in love with someone that you’ve spent a lot of time with, it’s super easy to get attached. How could we not?
It’s important to remember that you can never own another person. Even if this person is your husband or wife, you cannot own another human being. Even having to say this sounds utterly ridiculous.
What I suggest when going out there and dating, is to hold off on becoming intimate for a while. Take your time to get to really know the other person before hoping into bed.
Oftentimes being sexually intimate with a person can form an attachment quickly, and it is usually intense (especially if the sex is good). If you can wait until you’ve gotten to know this other person, you can save yourself heartbreak down the road. Don’t become sexually intimate with someone that you do not see a future with.
Another way to resolve this conundrum is to go on dates but remain detached. Don't start fantasizing about a future with someone just because he or she meets every requirement you have for a mate. It takes time to truly get to know someone. During this dating process, listen to your intuition, and never ignore what it is telling you! This is the absolute best dating advise I can give anyone.
The most important thing is to make sure to fall in love with yourself first! If you truly love yourself, then you would never put up with disrespectful behavior. You would not continue to date someone just because you're comfortable with them. You would not keep going back to some who hurt you. You would never allow yourself to give your love to someone who doesn’t love you back. Fall in love with you, because you’re an amazing human being!
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