30 Journal Entries to Self-Discovery - Day 5

Hey, Y'all! Happy day five! It's weird, right? This is weird. I've never done a daily follow along blog post. It's always been one article on one topic. So this is so weird for me. However, I'm really enjoying it. I hope you are too and if you're not... then why are you still reading? Anyway, here's the quote for the day: "Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart" - William Wordsmith

DAY FIVE: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU NEED TO LET GO OF?

Is there anything I need to let go of? This is a difficult question for me, because yes, yes there is. I need to let go of someone. I tell everyone that I have. (At this point, if you know me, you probably know who I'm talking about. Please don't judge me too hard. Trying to answer these as honestly as possible.) Everyone believes that I've stopped holding my breath waiting for him. Maybe that part is true, I have stopped holding my breath when he tells me something. But I still have that small simmer of hope. I know that he isn't the person he used to be and neither am I. But when he texts me and we start to talk, that little bubble of hope comes out of nowhere to gnaw at me.

I'm smarter than this. I've been broken hearted for so long over this. His face haunts me every day and that will not go away. If I'm being honest, I don't want it to go away. I don't know why that hope bubbles up in me every now and again. It shouldn't. I've realized by now, two years later, that the idea of the life I had was only ever in my head and never a reality. I think that's the hardest part about falling in love with someone though. Breaking up is easy, walking away is a little harder, but completely letting go... that's the part that will really tear you up. Throwing away any idea you had of plans with them, realizing that every year with them is considered "wasted" by everyone around you, not being able to tell your friends that a song reminded you of him or that he texted to ask how you were doing and it made you miss him, because every time you do all they do is yell at you for thinking things could ever go back to where they were before... You know they are right. But it will make you want to die inside.

By far, the worst part about not being able to let go is hearing the way other people talk about how he hurt you. Listening to your friends and family tell you how proud they are that you let go of him. I didn't completely let go though. We still talk here and there. I think he considers us friends... I think that I may be overthinking that. I haven't let go enough to block his number. I haven't let go enough to be in a healthy relationship. I haven't let go enough to let myself have feelings for someone again. A lot of people try to tell me that it's his fault for us being in unhealthy situationship for so long, but it's not. It's my fault. It's my fault for letting things carry on so long when I knew it wasn't going to work in the end. I broke my own heart being with him.

I know I need to let go. I really do. I'm smarter than that and I really don't think I'm holding onto him in the way I was before. I'm not hoping that he's going to come around and say "Hey, let's be the perfect little family and figure all this bullshit out." I know that and I understand that. I think I'm just still holding on to who he was when I considered him one of my best friends. I'm still holding on to our little talks here and there because I miss those big talks. I miss sharing every detail of my life with him. When something terrible happens, he's the first one I think about running to for help. I don't anymore. But the thought still crosses my mind. When I write a new chapter for a book I'm working on, I want to read it to him so he can tell me what he thinks. When my daughter does something hilarious, I think about sending him a video of it. But I've never done this. And I never will. I've accepted that. I just need to let go of who he used to be. He's not a best friend anymore, not to me. He's not even a friend. He's just somebody that I used to know but accepting that is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Saying you've let go of someone is really easy. Letting go of the idea of being with someone in a romantic way is hard but not terribly. Letting go of a best friend that you thought would forever be in your life... that's fucking difficult. I haven't gotten there yet. But I'm working on it.

My thoughts: This question is beautiful in the worst way. I cried the entire time I wrote. I think we all of something we need to let go of; be it a person or idea or even something physical. This question really made look inside my own mind. It made me put down on paper something I hate admitting out loud. It even made me realize that I wasn't really holding onto the things I thought I was. It even kind of made me realize how much I hate that part of myself that's still holding on. This is a great question for self-discovery. Difficult to answer, (although, maybe easier when you know the internet isn't reading it) but great.