365 Days Without You

“Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."-Kehlog Albran

I heard the first year of losing someone is the hardest. But it hasn't even felt like a year...

I have relived the moment I lost my friend every day and thought about her and the times we spent together every single day, so when I realised it was coming up to a year since the fact, I was a little dazed. How has time gone by so fast when it was the worst time of my life and the longest nights of crying? I almost feel guilty that it has already been a year. I hope people don't start to forget about her. I know I will still think about her every day.

I'm surprised I haven't come to terms with grief yet; you would think a year would be enough. But it isn't. I can't even sit and think about fond memories for long without feeling overwhelmed. I have to remind myself that I won't ever see her again. The human mind is an intriguing thing; it has a special way of masking the most painful parts of your life and shoving it to the back of your mind until you bring it back up. I sometimes stare at her picture and smile and then remember that she has gone... I know it sounds crazy that I would have to remind myself when she is all I think about. But its true.

My previous post on grief was more logical and I tried to make sense out of my situation. I tried to help others that might be going through something similar. But here, I don't want to make sense. I want to simply write, without thinking too much about how it will come across.

My friend, A, I remember meeting her at a young age, at family events and at the temple. So, you can imagine the relief I felt when I saw the same face on the first day of high school, a time when everything is new and frightening. There she was with her friends to welcome me and introduce me as her friend. So that's how our friendship began. We had many after school gossip sessions, exam revision times, and many MSN chats. To have the whole day in school to talk was never enough so then after school we would take our time walking home the longer way around to have the extra time to hang out, just to get home and log onto MSN to continue chatting. We were more like sisters than friends.

After high school we went to college together and then went our separate ways for university. I decided to wait a couple of years before I went university whilst she went straight after college. We still spoke often but nothing like we used to, and that was okay. We never felt like we were betraying each other by having separate friends. We had our own life now but still were apart of each others. We were growing up.

I knew about her illness and I often checked up on her and asked how she was doing. But I never knew the level of pain she was in; she never told me. She didn't want any one to worry about her. So when I found out the severity of her illness, it was already too late. I messaged her, no reply. I called, again no response. I knew her family so I was updated on her condition but there was nothing any of the doctors could do after a certain point.

My friend had passed away. My mind still, after writing all of this, can't understand that this has actually happened. What is wrong with me? I hope one day I can talk about her and think about her without feeling a deep dark hole inside my heart.

I hope she is with me, I hope she is reading this now. I hope she knows that I love her so much. More than she would have ever known.

I love you, A.