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37 Missed Calls Later

He loved her.

By Aasiyah KanjiPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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Within the blink of the naked eye, I realised that was it. I knew there was no going back. But let me rewind—it all started that morning.

As the numbness of sleep slowly faded from my limbs, I awoke to find myself, not in my cosy bed, or even in the protection of my own home. I awoke to find myself learning of the consequences of a one night stand—I still felt a bit groggy from all the drinking and the innocent giggling last night, but how was I to know it would have offended him? I rolled over to the side, like I do every morning, usually in my own bedroom, and felt around for my phone. Once I had located it, I switched the screen on and was quite perplexed as to why I had 37 missed calls from him. Assuming it was my abysmal eye sight; I rubbed my eyes, put my glasses on, sat up and checked again. ’37 BLOOMING MISSED CALLS?!’ I thought to myself.

I honestly didn’t have the slightest clue as to why or even what happened the night before; although I was sure to find out sooner or later. I trudged down the steep and narrow stairs of this stranger’s home, using every ounce of energy I had left, even though it was only nine in the morning, and into the kitchen. As I rummaged around for some Anadin Extra, I thought about the night before; I knew I’d regret what I had done, but first I’d need to know what exactly I’d be regretting!

My phone rang again. Wearily, I picked it up and raised it to my ear. “Umm hello?” I inquired to the mysterious caller with a private number.

They explained that he jumped off a balcony that morning, and left a note to me. “I’m terribly sorry for your loss Emma” the man on the phone expressed with great concern. Still in my Ninja Turtle costume from the Halloween party the night before, I ran to my car, and without even thinking drove ominously fast, sparing nothing in my path—like how a fire destroys all in its way—to where he jumped: it was on top of a little shop where his granddad used to live.

There were people briskly walking in and out of the shop, acting as if nothing had happened. Yet as I cautiously edged closer to the door, all I could see was innocent deep red blood. I could feel my heart pounding within the walls of my flesh. As beads of sweat dripped down my face, I knew I needed to sit down. I sat back in my car and turned up the radio. My hand began to feel clammy bouncing on my knee and just thinking about what I was going to see made me want to throw up. I took another long, deep breath and got back out of my car. Taking it one step at a time, after what felt like centuries, I reached the barricade tape.

“TYLEEEERRRRR!” I cried! At that moment, I felt my whole world was falling apart, right before my eyes. Death isn’t kind. I know that. It snatches wherever it can, taking people who are too young and too good to deserve it. The hooded vale of death had hung over the world for a very long time, but had never touched me quite so close. Tyler loved me more than anything in the world and me, him; he was my best friend. He was always there for me and never left my side. Since we were six years old, he’s stuck with me through thick and thin. It felt as though Death had ripped away a part of me, the part that I loved the most.

Somehow I’ve made this about me, just like I always do… ‘What if that’s why he did it—because I never listened?’ I thought to myself. ‘Even when he’s just killed himself, you’ve still made it about you!’ I continued. Whilst my conscience and I were having a dilemma in my mind, my heart stared at him and went stone-cold.

He lay there, looking so innocent; his face appeared sunken and haunted, his—once ebullient and optimistic—face, cold and empty. He was dead. Dead. The life that had dwelt within him had gone and I guess now he was safe from the perils of this world; no more harm could come to him. He lay in a pool of blood that was now almost dried but gave the area a sickly-sweet butcher shop odour. His auburn hair was scattered in multiple places, stained with dried blood; crimson. His royal blue eyes were wide open but his jade irises held a sudden sadness. He still had the same clothes on from the night before; a black suit with an emerald green tie. I managed a small smile when I saw because it was the same tie I bought for his birthday 2 years ago.

I tried to convince myself. I tried to convince myself he was just sleeping. I tried to convince myself he wasn’t dead. I tried to convince myself this wasn’t my fault. Deep down, no matter how hard I tried, I knew I was lying to myself. After a while, after seeing what I’d seen for so long, I had no more sentimentality for him. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t trying to be a wicked person, but it was easier not to think of him as a person anymore; he was just lying there.

After some time, an officer handed me an envelope addressed “Em” with a little heart. Tyler is the only person in the world, who calls me Em, and it makes me feel really special but now he’s gone. Where my heart was saying “this is too much, don’t open it,” my brain was saying “do it, do it!” as if it were a 4-year-old child who’s become hyper from eating too many sweets. After much thought and contemplation, I decided it would have been best to give myself some time to register what had happened, and open the note after everything had sunk in properly.

I woke up the next morning, picked the cream coloured envelope, which was under my pillow, and stared at it. I felt like a wuss, I felt like Tyler had jumped because of something I had said but I didn’t even have the courage to find out. ‘MAN UP EMMA’ I told myself. I flipped the envelope over, my hand was shaking, but I knew this was something I had to do. I slid my finger under the flap and cautiously pulled the note out. Tyler wrote his note on a ripped page from his sister’s butterfly notebook. The pink pages felt so soft. I traced my finger along his words, it felt like I was touching his own soft skin. You know, I’d always been jealous about his peach cheeks which felt softer than feathers.

“Dear Em”—two words in and I was already in tears. I couldn’t do it. I shoved it under my pillow and turned over in my bed.

At that moment, I wished and wished and wished that the next day wouldn’t come…

No matter how hard I wished, the next day came and it hit me hard.

I woke up to the sound of my ringtone blasting through my home, taking me by surprise. I was still processing the events from the past two days, not sure if somehow it may have all been a dream. To be sure what happened was real, I searched under my pillow looking for the envelope I was supposed to have been given. ‘All a dream Emma, all a dream,’ I told myself, and just as I let out a sigh of relief I felt it at the edge of my fingertips.

‘In and out, in and out. One big deep breath in. and out,’ I reminded myself. ‘You’ve got this. All you need to do is open the note and read, it’s no different than an English Literature lesson from five years ago.’ I bet right now, while reading this, you think I’m heartless but I’m not. I loved Tyler but if I allowed my emotions to get in the way I would never have finished reading it; I’d never know what happened that night that made him jump the next morning.

Dear Em, I love you,I was always there for you. When your parents died, I stayed at your place for five months and took care of you; I made you breakfast, took you out for lunches and cooked all your favourites for dinner. After all your breakups, we sat together on the sofa of my place, with massive tubs of gorgeous Ben and Jerry’s ice cream – chocolate fudge brownie, your favourite. We would talk about it until 4am until you’d fall asleep on my lap from crying so much. When you were in hospital from the accident with the train coming off the tracks, I visited you every single day – I brought you the brightest of flowers, and your favourite chocolates. After you were discharged, I let you come stay at mine and I took you to every single physio and review appointment you had. Why couldn’t you see it? Why couldn’t you see that I loved you?You were more than a friend to me, you were my soulmate. And I feel like while you’re reading this, knowing you, you’re thinking I’m not the person you thought I was, that I helped you out so we could have sex. Em, you’re wrong. I helped you because I loved you. And I always have. But last night was too much for me.You drank a lot last night. A lot. So I’m guessing you don’t remember what happened but don’t worry, I’ll tell you. Last night, the first thing we did when we got to the party for Halloween, was shots. But after a few rounds, we all stopped except you. You just kept going and going. Then you met some guy. I think his name was something like Nick? But you came up to me, and you said “Yo Ty, I’m about to do something crazyyyyyyyy!” The next thing I knew, you were in the pool with just your bra and underwear. You started making out with him and I didn’t really want to get in the way so I left you two lovebirds to it. But then, I decided I needed to man up. I tried to look for you, I decided that it was time to tell you how I truly felt. I found you and I said “Hey Em, can we talk?” and I told you everything but you freaked out and said you were going to Nick’s place to have some more fun.I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend everything was still okay. I never told you, but the day you were in the accident, I was diagnosed with severe depression. Every time I tried to tell you that I felt suicidal, something would come up and in the end I stopped trying because I thought that after everything you’d been through, you wouldn’t be able to handle it. But I’m telling you now, I’ve felt suicidal for 3 years and now it’s time for me to give up and stop fighting. I’m standing on the balcony, and after 37 calls to you, it’s time to say goodbye.I loved you Em.From Ty

(This is just a story, if you are suicidal, please don’t be scared to get help. You can call the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123.)

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