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Love is complicated and fun; it is amazing and life changing. Finding love, however, is all of the above with some very brutal lessons in the process. In commenting on a friend's post, I was inspired to share some lessons that lead to Love's very honest truth. It wasn't until I had a friend that told me what to look for that I understood that when people were having a great time dating, I was having some of the worst experiences ever.
I have compiled a list of personalities that I encountered that I have learned to avoid, and steer clear of. I also believe it doesn't hurt to give others some of the fruits of my lessons, because, a little warning can go a LONG way. Below are personalities that can be toxic, draining, and downright abusive. Though that information may be good to know, a solid counter-balance to those personalities are what to look for and I have made suggestions about those too. No person is completely perfect and everyone has flaws, but when some people refuse to accept that they have short comings, relationships become battle grounds that get destroyed by ill-intentions.
We all know that people come in different shapes and sizes, but some have personality traits that are not compatible for our love. If any of the traits below resonate with you, you may want to consider looking elsewhere.
1. "The Insecure"
The "Insecure person" often looks good on paper, and knows it. This person's self value appears very high with an opinion that brings their partner down. As their partner, your value is only recognized after the Insecure person gives you a ridiculous amount of crap. In a relationship with this person, your insecurities are used as leverage. Not insecure? These people create areas of insecurity for you, and then use those very traits that they created to make you feel bad. Skillful in mind games and criticisms, not good for people who date them. If you notice that the person you're starting something with feels the need to point out a "flaw" or invalidate you in casual conversation, keep it friendly. You are not looking for anyone that is going to add to life's difficulties.
Instead: Look for someone that is humble, but is also ambitious. A confident person recognizes that arrogant energy needs to be channeled to work life and competitive games and activities, home life is only improved with a partner, not a competitor. Healthy habits to look for include spending time with people that are supportive, and a healthy partner knows how to set boundaries with others.
Values: Purpose, Discernment, Confidence
2. The "Announcer"
When the Announcer feels it necessary to tell you that "I don't play games," it is the equivalent of a used car salesman saying "trust me..." As soon as you hear those words, you are now in a realm you don't want to be in. Think of it as a game of tag, and not only are you "It," you are now playing by someone else's rules. There is no intention of building or working for better in a relationship. Communication is vague and you will constantly be questioning what is going on between you two. Don't be led by the "Dangling carrot." Though there are some caring ambitions, there is no end game. If you are constantly wondering where you stand with this person, ask for their perceptions of the boundaries in your relationship, and require clear and direct relationship goals. If you are not satisfied, keep it moving, there are more honest fish in the sea.
Instead: You are looking for a valuable partner to work toward a clear and valuable relationship. Intentions will be unquestionable. Though the discussion may not be marriage from day one, the relationship is going to be transparent and there will be no question as to what this person wants, if you ask yourself "what does this person want?" You will always be able to answer, "me, this person wants me."
Values: Communication, Understanding, Honesty
3. The "Inner-conflicted"
"The Inner-conflict" is undeniable, this person is relatable, there are times when their struggle is understandable to the point that you feel valuable for being there for them. The problem with their inner-conflict is that their issues are not yours. Due to their issues, you have no opportunity for a relationship. All of the conflicts eventually add up and this person creates issues where there shouldn't be any with their "partner." This person's drama pulls those that try to support them into their whirlwind and the relationship can never progress beyond their issues. Ultimately, this relationship is only good for one thing. It requires way more than just the investment of late night hours, and you're going to waste way more energy trying to work within the bs than you would if you just walked away. If this person can't choose to move pass their issues, and to embrace how amazing you are, they're going to drag you into the realm of their own uncertainty. Walk away, and close every door behind you.
Instead: What you are looking for is someone with maturity. It is fine for a person to have conflict, but it's more important that conflict is addressed and boundaries are set. When a person is working toward a mature relationship, the things that make them unhappy have a time and place, but their relationship is not that place. Their drama is theirs and they keep to themselves, as they would keep any concerns that they have with you, between the two of you.
Values: Maturity, Self-lessness, Compassion
4. The "Consciously Confused"
The "Consciously Confused" person is a constant theorist that gets very strongly influenced by media, social, and the like. Though we all have our aspects of social media that speak to us, this person has found their center through specific influences. When dating this person, there tends to be a fair amount of judgment, and some issues with hypocrisy.
For example, someone that is "conscious" may see it as important for their partner to hold a traditional role as "submissive" in the household. However, this same person has no problem utilizing their partner's ability to work and make money, when it comes time to asking for money, or making their partner play a vital role in finances and expenses.
This person has strict gender role expectations, but doesn't have a foundation of their beliefs. When inquired as to their reasons for believing in such strict relationship roles, there's little to no basis, and no set reasoning. This person's values often change, and can be very negative toward the person they are with. It can also be hard to find a work/life balance because of how inconsistent this person is. This situation is a lose/lose. Find the exit and walk through it immediately.
Instead: What you are looking for is a person that is truly working to build self-awareness, and applies their learning to self, not to others. Though this person may make a self-criticism it is out of a place of growth, not minimization. This person is looking to build a better understanding of the world as far as their purpose and regard. In a relationship, this person will learn to better who they are for the sake of the relationship, and may learn from you. This person will also be willing to learn with you, and will have a positive influence on how you see the world.
Values: Intellect, Growth, Mutuality
5. The "Narcissist"
"A Narcissist" is all about self and enters relationships to serve the purpose of self gratification only. Your wants and desires are not considered, if you get what you want, it is only for the sake of getting what is desired from you. These are the people that act only with the intent of getting what they want, when they want it. Most of the time, this is admiration and adoration. This person is very charming, which can often offset their sense of entitlement, and self- admiration.
Don't walk, run! This person is using you as a step a ladder, and recovery from this road is long and hard. The best way to close this chapter is to not look back.
Instead: You are looking for an open partner that is going to work with you, and care about how you feel. Words and actions will align, and you will share each other's interests. Most importantly, an open partner is going to understand empathy. This person values just spending time with you, and takes your feelings into regard all the time.
Values: Sensitivity, Integrity, Freedom
All of these personalities come in their own packages. A loving and caring partner is going to interact with you and understand that you have limits, they will also appreciate who you are and what you have to offer. Relationships are not easy, but the good times should outweigh the bad. These are not all the toxic personalities that are out there, and if you have any to share, please do, contact me at: [email protected]
I like to share my experiences, you can read more here.
Read here for more empowering reading.
I also believe in empowering others, please read my contribution to the Charlotte Post.