5 Things NOT to Say on a First Date

Cuffing season, I mean, the Fourth of July and the season of Instagramable romance, is upon us, so I am here to help. Yes, dating has been covered ad nauseam by people who have written books, written mean tweets, written notes on napkins and the ones who have gone beyond the first date to the PHD of dating, meaning marriage, and maybe perhaps un-marriage. Everybody says the same thing to women: Don’t talk about marriage, kids and hyphenating names on first dates.

Frankly, I don’t know anyone with a free-floating x chromosome who would do that. I do know a couple of Y’s who would, though. Why? Because it’s universal, kittens. Dating. Not love. Love is drug, medicine, a need, a necessity, a private plane, a puppy and a really good piece of cake at the same time. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about dating. And more importantly, the first date.

Having said that, here are some things that I know, from personal experience with my mouth and the sounds I make, that you should not talk about on a first date. Even if provoked with that oh so seductive thing known as a question.

1. Procreation

Yes, it’s a given. Don’t talk about it. Especially not in medical terms and especially if you’re not a medical term, i.e a doctor or a nurse. Even if Man brings up how women have a shorter shelf life in terms of procreating, do not go there. It might just be a very aggressive way to sleep with you and/or random musings on life and the lifespan of the date. By no stretch of the imagination should you point out that it is in fact old sperm and not old eggs that cause all sorts of problems, and in most cases where your friends had problems having children, it was the man and not the woman whose matter didn’t matter. Don’t bring it up. Also, don’t try to be polite by referring to anything and/or anyone as baby batter and/or swimmers. It could invite seriously annoying jokes about breaststroke. Also, remember for your own pride and ego that chemistry is not built on liking people. You might hate him by now, but that has no bearing on chemistry. Chemistry is built on, well, chemistry. Fucker. And so now we are back to the original argument.

2. Known Conflicts

Isis, Arab Spring, Russian Oligarchs, Syria, religion, The Kims (be it the Kardashians or the Yongs or the Ils), Taylor Swift, Middle East conflicts in general, Kanye West conflicts in general, gluten, legitimate rape, Alternative Facts, John Mayer.

3. Addictions

Even if you think they’re cute. Like, “Oh, I don’t have an issue with alcohol, food, drugs, coffee, sex, money… But I have this thing with coconut water and kale chips.” Yeah, if you have already disregarded all the good ones, don’t get adorable with charcoal lemonade. You get the picture.

4. Other Women

This is a trap. And the trap has many mouths. You know what I mean. Yes, you do. It’s a given not to talk about other men, unless you are in a hurry to end the date or unless he has really low self-esteem and is only ignited by competition, but then you might have low self-esteem and then you shouldn’t be reading this post because you shouldn’t be going on dates. Ahahahahaha. I’m kidding. Low self-esteem is the best time!!!! It’s like Christmas in Saudi Arabia! In the town square. On Fridays. You get so much attention! Anyway, don’t talk about other women. Don’t say anything creepy about other women. Don’t put women down. It adds to all the reasons why we are not running the world. And now you’re ruining the emotional ecosystem of the universe. Don’t be a polluter of hope and the naysayer of femininity. It has instant karmic value. And don’t go there in a nice way either, saying, “Oh look at her, she’s soooo pretty,” just to show how cool you are. You’re not that cool. Also, he might agree. And ask her on a date. Because obviously you’re not interested.

5. Sports

This one is tricky. If you’re going to talk about it—know what you’re talking about. Seriously. Don’t be the cool girl who likes football if you don’t. And also, if it’s a newfound passion, maybe you want to keep it to yourself? I have recently found my team. But I want to talk about their gold pants. And until I don’t want to talk about their gold pants anymore, I keep it to myself. And seriously, maybe you want to watch football by yourself on the couch on Sundays/Mondays. No shame in that. God’s day. And gold pants.

I think we can agree that this is all wise, interesting, deeply insightful, deeply felt and experienced, humbling, good old-fashioned advice. Right? You’re welcome.

Of course, if it’s love that you’re looking for and falling into that particular feeling, all of this advice goes out the window. Love is better than dating, but sometimes you have to have dinner instead of forever, so you have to practice first dates, because without love there will be many of them. And as you poke at your impossible steak on a bed of purple kale and bitter greens looking for love, remember:

It might lead to love, but not because you behaved well and that you were cool. Not because you said the right thing and didn’t swear. Not because he is a good idea and he fits your list. Love doesn’t do to do lists. It doesn’t do chores. Love usually tells dating to go fuck itself in that rosy, sexy, all-encompassing best party in town way that only love can do. Love is both pragmatic and magic. And love is the only thing in the world that can open three things at the same time: your mind, your heart, and your legs.

There are, however, also three things that by far help to move the process of both love and dating forward: Show up. Smell good. Say hello. Hope to God he does the same.