5 Ways to Defeat the Millennial

Often painted as overbearing, self-centered, Wi-Fi obsessed, generational monsters…

We found the problem child: The Millennial. What do we do when the fabric of America is now in the hands of people who say your outfit is “on fleek,” or always want someone to “spill the tea?” Can we agree that “shade” should come from trees and not disgruntled naysayers?

Here are 5 ways to defeat the Millennial…for good!

1. The Blame Game

Who me? Couldn’t be! Then who?

The Millennial. Let’s be real, they stole the cookie from the cookie jar. No question about it. Global warming, world hunger, melting ice caps, a Starbucks on every corner. Not only should you blame the world’s problems on the Millennial and their wasteful ways but make sure to not listen to any opposition to this opinion. By blaming all past, present, and future issues on someone else, then you can occasionally take your head out of the sand for a good...

“I told you so!!!”

2. Don't change your ways!

Not only should you play the Blame Game, but don’t change a thing about yourself. You are the pinnacle of existence. Instead of learning how to use the internet, having conversations with Siri, or allowing any ounce of technology in your life…DON’T! Make others confused by telling stories about how the "old days" were way better. Spread your knowledge of pay phones, wholesome television, and being able to afford an education and a roof over your head. You worked hard for what you have, so why threaten your nest egg?

3. Try not to die...

This one seems straight forward, the moment you pass away others will pass by. These Millennials are not ready and surely never will be. Take your vitamins, take brisk walks, and grumble as much as possible. Staying fit and healthy is a sure way to stop the millennial for good. We have no need for new leadership if we don’t plan on dying.

4. Stop gentrification in your neighborhood.

After 50 years of shopping at the same butcher, you arrive on the usual Sunday to a SOLD sign on the door. Above that reads “COMING SOON…Gush (A Vegan, Gluten Free Butcher)." What does that even mean? It means CONGRATULATIONS you are about to be the proud owner of a brand new gentrified neighborhood. Cue the Whole Foods, crystal doctors, and new age hipsters. Like the monarchs migrate to warmer weather and salmon to their home stream, Millennials are drawn to newly gentrified areas. Micro mini gastro brew pubs, shifty smoke vans, vegans, parents who use timeout chairs…stop the madness! This ends with you, my friend. Always shopping locally is not enough anymore. Today we are walking billboards, posting our experiences on social media, and convincing our friends to like our posts and maybe even try an experience for themselves. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone when we see certain businesses going “viral” while others struggle and eventually become a victim of “bettering” our neighborhoods. You need to speak up, spread the word and be that billboard for our local business. Give your local businesses a boost and refer your friends to these storefronts; supporting local commerce is just one effortless way that you can help keep Millennials out of your neighborhood.

5. Get rid of avocado toast.

I know. I know. Number 5 rests in bed with satire, kind of like this article, but stick with me. Nothing is more annoying than the avocado toast movement. Millennials now spending anywhere from $5 to $15 for extravagant, dainty, non-filling pieces of bread with green “good fat.” Avocado toast is now becoming the dominating item on the menu. Just yesterday I overheard a young man get so upset at a donut shop, because they didn’t offer avocado toast, that he was going to "write a Yelp review." Of course, in his review he slammed the donut shop and most people came to defend the shop, but there was one sentence that changed my life.

“So disappointed, this totally messes with my morning routine, NO AVOCADO TOAST! Thank god I am moving soon to an area that knows that good food makes good neighborhoods!!!”

Here is proof. Get rid of the toast and the Millennial will keep a safe distance.

Honestly this is the best you can ask for. Sure, any generation after your own will be unbearable. They will not understand your upbringing fully and that is OK. If you want to try and get rid of a generation, fine, but don’t forget your generation raised these Millennials. Are they so bad? Maybe if you can’t beat them, join them. Educate them, love them, try to understand, and make connections. Remember, we are just a grain of sand in a cosmic ocean. Life is too short to rage war on an entire generation.