5 Ways to Train a Wolf

When training a wolf it is important that you reach the status of the alpha. You may not be comfortable with that. But you must get over your fear of being assertive immediately. This is not easy. Do you want to be loved or do you want to be eaten? I know. Tricky question. Please refer to the SELF ESTEEM post that I haven’t written yet.

But since this information will come in handy for you, I am willing to share some pointers that will keep you, if not loved, then respected, and if not liked, then alive:

1. You must, must, must keep your hands in his food bowl at all times when he is a puppy. This will build trust. Don’t do that with friends, they don’t trust you when you do that. If your friends do, get back to me. Keeping your hand in the food bowl will establish that your hand can also go in his mouth. This will ensure that at any moment, later on, you can take anything out of his mouth—be it a squirrel, chair or a boyfriend. This won’t stop him from circling said boyfriend while growling when boyfriend comes over to pick you up. But you are pretty sure that boyfriend had “adventurous” written on his Raya profile. He will also sit on your feet as to not touch boyfriend. Boyfriend will wonder if this relationship is something he should be pursuing, but we all know that it’s situations like these that are what truly makes you meant-to-be and star-crossed.

2. If he behaves badly by peeing on your bed after ignoring you for three days, you must wrestle him to the floor and bite his neck as his mother would do in the wild. This might be something you would consider playful or a dry mouthful, but it isn’t. He will respond to dominance. At the end of the training, he will lie flat on the floor from mere eye contact with you. Get ready for an obscene amount of staring contests.

3. You must let him sleep in your bed. He needs his pack and will feel lonely if he doesn’t and perhaps sit on your friend’s poodle. This will create issues with your friend, and you will know that you can’t apply this wisdom to said friend and you will have to just apologize, which you will feel mad about, because she obviously did something first, but now you're are openly in the wrong.

4. If you've been out of town for a while, you must know that you will be punished. You will be ignored; more than ignored, treated as if you simply don’t exist. This will go on exactly a quarter of the time you have been gone, and after that specifically allotted time he will, again, warm up. He may jump on your bed and lie down. Next, you will enjoy this wild creature lying next to you, forgiving you, and you will feel good. Then he will get up and you will realize that he has in fact spent the last fifteen minutes peeing on the bed. But after that, all is well again. Well, maybe not for the mattress.

5. He will be able to clear a nine foot fence in your backyard from sitting down, and he will love the shocks from the shock collar you have, while weeping, put around his neck. He truly loves that shock collar. You have tried everything to keep him in the yard because according to the law, you can’t actually own a wolf and you will be in many kinds of trouble, maybe your greencard, too and so you need him to stay home. Wolves by nature roam and he needs to roam the rolling hills of Hollywood. When you take him for walks say that he’s a malamute. No one will believe you but at lest you said a word.

If you in any way is a fan of metaphors, analogies or other big words and think that this is really a post about how to train a man, it’s not. I have no experience with that. But I do know how to train a wolf. Okay, only Timberwolves. Yes, you laugh. But not for long. You never know when this will come in handy. If you choose to train a man with this pertinent info, I cannot be held liable, and should you choose to train a woman, it has been attempted for centuries and the outcome is never good—they are too feral. You could also maybe apply it to train business partners and friends. At your own peril you can apply it as you like. And, do remember, I only know wolves and the inevitable heartbreak of training creatures who are wild by nature no matter how much they love you.