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52 Ostensibly Terrible Date Ideas I Haven't Yet Road-Tested with my New Girlfriend

But I guess I'll never know if they work until I try them all out?

This list is dedicated to my actual, real life girlfriend. Who I wouldn't subject to any of these things, but who I am greatly indebted to for all of the times she's laughed at my crappy jokes.

1. Have a Mel Gibson movie marathon

2. Literally watch paint dry
3. Steal the Declaration of Independence
4. Go busking together with kazoos
5. Have the chef from our local aged care home cook our next romantic candle-lit dinner
6. Have children together and then adamantly refuse to vaccinate them
7. Read her the entirety of James Joyce' Ulysses out loud
8. Animate a feature length children's film together
9. Buy a house in a racially diverse neighbourhood in the hopes of slowly gentrifying it and leaching it of all of its character
10. Hitch-hike through Syria
11. Take pictures of chemtrails
12. Watch all of the newer seasons of The Simpsons
13. Fall over in front of all of the frail old people we happen to see on the street, and then point and laugh at them after we get back up again without having broken any bones
14. Organise a specific time and date to go out for a night on the town, and then have my creepy uncle go in my place
15. Stick a fork in the toaster just to see what happens
16. Become anarcho-capitalists
17. Gift her all of the moldy cups I haven't yet bothered to clear from my bedroom
18. Disappoint her in front of her parents
19. Disappoint her in front of her cool friends
20. Take her to a Nando's and then make her pay for it
21. Tattoo our faces on each other's arse cheeks
22. Join a cult
23. Eat at the dodgiest restaurant we can find and then see who gets food poisoning first
24. Go to the Lay's factory to see how chips are made
25. Listen to Leonard Cohen in her darkened living room, while drinking cask wine and eating Chinese take away
26. Search "Shane MacGowan's teeth" on Google Images and print off our favourite photos to paste on the wall
27. Cry together
28. Start a riot at a Guns 'N' Roses concert
29. Stalk a B-grade celebrity
30. Invite her over to my place and then ignore her while I pet my dogs
31. Break all of her mugs
32. Translate The Qur'an into Welsh
33. Take her on a romantic walk through the park, but then we get lost and have to outrun a pack of very hungry wolves
34. Attend a sitting of parliament
35. Challenge her to a duel
36. Show her my collection of subscription-only Horrible Histories magazines that I've owned since I was 12
37. Go to the cemetery in search of all the dead baby graves
38. Yell 'BOMB' at strangers at the airport for 6 hours
39. Organise a real time re-enactment of the Cuban Missile Crisis
40. Watch Spongebob and eat chicken nuggets
41. Beg her to complete my latest university assignment 30 minutes before I'm supposed to turn it in
42. Set off fireworks in a shopping centre
43. Verse her in Super Smash Bros. and then get really mad when she kicks my arse
44. Listen to Abbey Road backwards
45. Run an extremely successful brothel and become insanely rich
46. Steal sweets from small children on Halloween
47. Assassinate a military dictator
48. Call up Microsoft technical support and ask whoever answers deeply philosophical questions about the nature of human existence
49. Call up Microsoft technical support and then echo everything they say straight back at them word for word
50. Call up Microsoft technical support and then scream into the receiver
51. Take her to an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting
52. Sneak into Area 51 and release all the alien prisoners

Kieran Atkins
Kieran Atkins

Kieran Atkins is a 19 year old Arts student and novice writer from Melbourne, Australia. He has a keen interest in sociology, philosophy and British comedy. He also plays Dungeons and Dragons in his spare time, because he has no life.

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