7 People You Come Across That Make You Say Hmmm

1. To the driver I cut off on my way to wherever the hell I was rushing to get to, I’m sorry for cutting you off. It was really nothing personal. I was not out to get you or ruin your day, I was simply in a huge rush and being forced to drive behind you at turtle speed not only guaranteed my late arrival but also made me want to rip my hair out, one at a time. I obviously was in a bigger rush than you, because had you been in the slightest hurry to be anywhere but in your car, you would have been driving accordingly and then I wouldn’t have had to cut you off in the first place. And what do you care anyway? I’ll be out of your way and out of your sight just as soon as I can pass you , and you're free to carry on driving at five miles per hour... it’s a win-win situation. But instead, you prefer to box me in with the other asshole driver, who with my luck is also in a huge rush to nowhere, driving 7 miles per hour. Perhaps you two should carpool and save us all from such petty traffic dilemmas.

2. To the guy parked at a meter with his foot on the brakes and his car running, what exactly are you doing? You clearly see me behind you with my blinker on. Might be a bit tough to park in the spot with your car in my way. In case there’s some weird reason you happen to have missed me standing there, allow me to pull up to your window and clear up any confusion. Oh, you're on the phone... I’m so sorry to disturb you! But would you mind getting the fuck up out this parking spot and continuing your conversation anywhere else but here??? Perhaps the five minute loading zone right in front of the spot you're currently parked in would be the perfect place.

3. To the customer service representative where my calls are being routed to in the Philippines, the script you are reading to me word by word offers absolutely zero help, as a matter of fact I read it in its entirety on your website right before I called. As much as I love hearing my own voice and repeating the same exact story to five different supervisors before finally getting transferred to the one that can actually begin to do something in regards to the matter I’m calling about, I do have other things to do besides talk to the customer services department all day. Let’s not forget the keyword here is service; if I wanted to get the run around, I’d call the customer run around department, thank you very much (but not really cause you were no help at all). Next time you try to sell me something I’m gonna send you to five supervisors that make the purchasing decisions before actually purchasing something. Let’s waste all of your time and see how much you like it.

4. To the idiot who decided to cross the street at 2 o’clock in the morning wearing all black and texting while crossing—your decision-making skills need some major tuning. One second short of joining the collection of squashed insects on my windshield because you were too lazy to walk up half a block and use the crosswalk like a normal person. If anyone should be giving out dirty looks, it should be me and my dog; he nearly flew out of that same windshield on behalf of your stupidity. I suggest you place your eyeballs back in their sockets, scrape your tongue off the floor and keep walking before my foot accidentally slips off the brakes. You may also want to re-evaluate sending that drunk text to your ex. Perhaps that was the reason for our crossing paths? You're totally welcome.

5. To my neighbor with the shittiest taste in music I have ever heard, for the love of God turn that crap off. The cops should use the noise you're listening to when conducting interrogations because anyone with half a brain cell would agree that it’s so painful to sit through, we would do or say anything just to turn it off. It’s so bad that even someone innocent would confess to a crime they didn’t commit and rather be jailed than have to listen to your shit music for another minute.

6. To the lady in lululemon leggings that strolls into yoga class five minutes late and decides to park her yoga mat in my asshole—seriously? Not to be rude, but would you mind removing yourself from out of my asshole and back up just a few inches, please? I couldn’t seem to notice that the room is completely empty; all this space and yet you find it absolutely necessary to be this close to me. If you were any closer, you would be me. You are affecting my zen and I was counting on this one hour of yoga time to re-center myself, and I’m having a really hard time in doing so with you in my freaking lap.

Mind your wingspan, woman, or be prepared for my warrior 1 to slap the lemon off your lulus while my warrior 2 puts you in a permanent child pose. Perhaps then you would learn to nama-stay at least a few inches away from people. That must be why people fart during yoga class. It’s like an internal animalistic thing that goes off like an alarm to warn potential predators lurking too close to the asshole that they need to back the fuck off or else. A rule of thumb, if the person in front of you is doing chair pose in your lap, you’re a bit too close and need to move back.

7. To my other neighbor that thinks he is playing an instrument but in actuality is committing a crime by creating that noise pollution that’s making me wish my other neighbor would crank his crap music up louder: first of all, why the banjo of all things ? It sounds the same whether you know what you're doing or you're just strumming random cords together—both sound awful and if you force me to listen to you play any longer, I’m gonna have to break that banjo. You have been going at it for the last three hours and quite frankly you're making my ears bleed. At this point, I’d rather listen to my gardener and his leaf blower at 9 AM on a Saturday than you and your banjo any day!