7 Sure Things Every Girl On Tinder Wants You To Know

Swiping can very well be my favorite activity in the world, but only if I’m buying shoes and swiping a credit card not left or right swiping potential dates off Tinder- that kind of swiping is no fun at all. When it comes to dating matches these days, the more the merrier. Call me crazy or call me old fashioned but I happen to be part of the select few who still value quality over quantity. I’m not interested in starting a harem, like every girl I’m just looking to find the yin to my yang. In my search for Mr. Right. I've obviously met many Mr. Couldn’t be more wrongs if your life depended on it, and then so many of them that I couldn’t take it anymore and deleted my profile. Then I thought well maybe these guys deserve to know how we feel and so on behalf of all the girls on Tinder I have decided to share these 7 tips that every girl on Tinder, at one point or another, would want you to know.

1. Be real. It’s not that difficult to be honest with what it is you're actually looking for - your chances of actually finding it are way higher and worse case scenario, you don’t, but at least you won’t be wasting some poor innocent girl's time in the process. If all you're looking for is a casual sex partner there is absolutely no reason to write that you are looking for a serious relationship. Don’t be the douchebag that swoons a girl off her feet and into your bed with no intention of taking it further than that. And if you are actually looking for something serious don’t be the dick that takes off the moment shit get serious.
2. Please get over yourself, last I checked Entourage was an HBO series, not a lifestyle you should be aspiring to achieve. Posting “haters gonna hate” on your Instagram makes me laugh because no one even knows who you are in the first place and the only thing anyone could possible hate about you is how ridiculous you sound thinking anyone even cares enough about you to hate you. Your salary is impressive, really, I can’t even talk shit. I’m no financial advisor or anything remotely even close but I would suggest, if I may of course....perhaps you could consider sending some of that “rain” you’ve been making to people that are in an actual drought, like charities and homeless people in need, instead of on tables and bottle service. You never know, you may actually attract someone of substance as opposed to shallow for a change.
3. Do not tell me that chivalry is not dead and then send me a picture of your penis as proof. I’m sure your penis is a noble penis indeed, it’s the rest of you I’m not so sure of...I’m sorry but even your virtuous upright penis can’t help you there.
4. Please do not send me 85 photos of yourself throughout the entire day, starting with your cup of coffee in the morning selfie, followed by your stuck in traffic car ride to work selfie, can’t wait for lunch selfie, yay lunch selfie, too full from lunch selfie, food coma selfie, almost time to leave work selfie and so on all the way through to you in your pajamas good night selfie. I am fully aware of the fact that you probably sent those same thousand selfies to ten other girls and there is absolutely nothing genuine or special in how that should make me feel, so when you write in your profile that you're looking for something special make sure that’s actually what you really want.
5. Just because you sent me 85 selfies does not mean that I am now obligated to do the same. Don’t ask me to send you more photos of myself when you have already right swiped based on the 5 I had in my profile. It makes me feel like you're having buyers remorse and need more supportive evidence to validate your decision and last I checked I was a human being, not a discounted stocking stuffer on Amazon. If you're really that superficial and concerned about my looks why don’t you just FaceTime me and see me up close live and personal, filter free! Too intimidating for you I presume? Or too personable? You should really try it, it’s way more accurate than selfies, especially if you catch me off guard and at my worst.
6. I’m always impressed when I come across profiles where guys talk about the importance of living a healthy lifestyle and make it a point to mention hitting the gym daily and eating clean, especially because those things are super important to me. What I am not impressed with however, is how strongly my idea of healthy may differ from theirs. I’m sorry if my idea of healthy does not include drink binging your liver to death on the weekend and then using cocaine to give your liver CPR, just so you can continue to binge drink your liver to death a little bit more, before you finally decide to take a Xanax and call it a night. Also, I am fully aware of the legality of smoking marijuana and I fully respect your decision to smoke it for whatever reason, be that medical or otherwise. That being said, I’m sorry to be the one to have to break it to you, but marijuana is still a drug even if it’s now a legal drug, so when you say you’re a non drug user in your profile but smoke more weed than Snoop Dog, you're kind of portraying yourself as something that you're not! Writing that you're 4/20 friendly isn’t any better, it tells me nothing about your smoking habits, it tells me about mine and quite frankly I think I know all about myself thank you very much!
7. If you happen to be juggling 5 other girls while also trying to get to know me, allow me to commend you on your abilities, as well as your patience and sanity. You're the only one I’m juggling and you alone make me want to shoot myself, I can only imagine handling 5 more of you- I’d for sure be serving a lifetime jail sentence. In all seriousness, I honestly don’t care who else you’re talking to as long as you are attentive while talking to me. This means if you ask me a question and I take the time to answer it, you better start taking down some notes if that’s what it takes for you to remember because when you start mixing me up with your other panel of contestants is when I do start to have a problem. If I wanted to feel like a contestant on The Bachelor, believe me I would have auditioned for the show and at least been on a tropical island getting to know my competition over a monitor on the beach.

Look, at the end of the day, we will all hopefully find the one, marry them and start a family. Imagine for a moment that you have a daughter who grows up and can’t find her match, would you wish Tinder upon anyone, let alone your sweet innocent little girl? And to take that one step further, would you want her to be treated even closely to the way you have been treating the girls you met on Tinder? Karma always makes us pay for our mistakes one way or another, don’t make your daughter pay for yours and treat all girls with the same respect you would want your daughter to be treated.